Recap of 2008 part 2

July - Wierd, hopeful, romantic feelings was the theme for this month. I thought it was possible and reasoned that it was within my grasp. Although, every time I felt it would go somewhere, I got either a non-answer or reason to doubt. My birthday also helped make the month real well. I spent multiple opportunities with some of my best gay friends, and it was a step up from last year. Later, in the month I had another opportunity to mix certain friends and it went well. That same day, I ran into an old buddy and met his one friend and it was inspiring. He had a life that I didn't think possible for a gay, happy, committed, established, home-owning, house-renovating, city-living, mass-traveling, church-going, and diverse. I was just like WOW, and couple with the romantic feelings/ideas and dreams, I saw myself easily being on top of the world. And I started to make plans and write coming out letters.

August - A downhill slope, in terms of feelings. A random mid-week beach trip with freddy and travis, was just too much. When I got back, I approached him and was more direct, but not forceful, i stating my position. SO this led to an open sharing of feelings, and he sounded on the same page as me, and we were both aware of issues on my part that would complicate things. So things were at a standstill. Mid-month I stated things more obviously, and got an answer that drained most hope. But not all. Repeating the words over and over, some hope remained. And by the end of the month, I heard the words, ending with "NOT AT ALL", and I was crushed. Other happenings included coming out to an old friend(thru email) and it was a lil encouraging, Freddy's fun birthday, an old friend went thru something which made him realize that I was his friend(finally), a cool trip to ATL for work, and I also had a foot injury which made things slightly harder around the end of the month.

September - Word of the month... "BLAH!!" I was still trying to sort out my feelings of hurt and un-deserved-ness, looking for a reset button. I also tried to combine friends again and this time it went terribly. Partway thru the month I went home for a 4-day weekend, to try on working on some stuff. The same time I came out to an old pastor, teacher, mentor, friend (thru emails) which was draining. A book I picked up from ATL and some heart-stabbing words helped me make that decision with resolve. Much wasn't accomplished at the trip btw.

October - Moved w/ the same roommates to downtown silver spring. Went to an old friend's wedding, and got to see people. I had a gay house party and came out to both roommates, as well, that weekend. I went to a couple nights of the gay film festival, did multiple emails and calls and internet lookups for my family's situation, and ended the month conflicted about myself, friends and where my life is headed. But it ended with finally seeing Freddy at the drag race, and doing some halloween activities which helped me see a few people in a different light. My friend also had a baby, YAY!!, and we(I) got guitar hero. Oh yeah, we now have a black president.

November - More thoughts about the past and highs of July. So much so I couldn't even write. I went on a date or two, and although fruitless, they were a step in a direction. I read Twilight and New moon, which didn't help my moods to much. I also got to hang more with my oldest gay friend. It ended in a diferent thanksgiving, and seeing my mom for the last time. On my way back to DC, I told someone "next time i'm in NYC will be much better, cuz we'd both be there". I also changed all facebooks and myspaces to "Gay" or "Interested in Men". As a way, to passive-aggressively let people know.

December - Work was sorta picking up and I was debating my vacation. Had a fruitless night in DC. and was feeling sick, so I had another "off-night" with maybe my best friends, which I talked to one of them about, and felt slightly better about afterwards. Went to the doctor, had mini-surgery and got some oxycodone. Things were getting back to normal, and I was planned my day trip to NYC w/ friends, joined a book group-ish, AND finally did some volunteering. Then on the morn of Dec 12 (on my dad's bday) my bro's called me and gave me the news that my mom died. I still went with them to NYC, and told people here, and tried to pack for 3 weeks. After my friends left, I went home to start working on stuff and meet. Then it was daily new to-do lists, family-filled/overflowing days, cold nights, non-bed sleeping, breakfast after noon, friend-less days, and cold weather till christmas. Which was the same, except I gave my granny a gift. After christmas, I realized I couldn't do as much, and after seeing my dad, I came back to md with my youngers bros. I got to show em how my lifes is... ish, and did some good stuff. I also went back to work, and potentially set myself up to work from home. I went to my first rap concert and got to see some other good friends after.

I realized life goes on(with or without), that words are just words, and I need to choose to live my life. This new year, gives me a set time to make things as they should be, or at least how I want them to be. But that's for another day.

Recap of 2008 part 1

January - Started with a bangin party, most of which was fun and positive. Feelings wise, I was not in a good place. Still reeling with confused feelings for you-know-who, and after meeting whats his name a lil before, my self-confidence and hope for the future weren't too high. Although, I got in contact with some old friends, which def helped my mojo.

February - More of the same. I also distanced myself from the roommates, and tried to put myself out there more... to no avail. Although, there were two hopeful-ish events. 1. A gay prospect came over and we played games, and my roommate and a female friend both stopped by, but didn't realize or even mention anything. 2. I got drunk and met Stephen, which was a high point, altho I never fully asked for or got a number. The rest of that night, was one of my worst nights ever. And I lost my scarf.

March - My self-confidence increased when I met this one dude, in person, and i def wowed him. Even got a fb shoutout. But i knew his type, and that it wasn't for me. Even you-know-who warned me, but I didn't listen. I later also attempted to get over a fear of older guys. I saw the after-effects of a "first-love / broken heart" in a friend. And attempted to make str8 allies. Had a 2 week headache, got my permit, completed the "Hunt for a Wii", began reading, AND kept myself busy.

April - Started with dealing with consequences from March, and also being in a group opposite 5 MoCo police cruisers. I posted a poem I wrote online for TNG. Began getting prizes in trivia, learned that deserving and actually receiving are not always hand-in-hand, and I started this blog along with Freddy! saw a fried go thru a tough time, and a diff friend find new romance.

May - As the weather changed, so did my attitude. My original fear os meeting Hisham was mostly realized. I began to take pictures of my gay outings. Starte bloggigng much more. And hanging out with gay friends during the day!! I began to have a fear that my mom was getting was faster than we realized. I mixed three different sets of gay friends, and its mostly a success. I prepare for going to a gay beach, for the first time AND with a group of gay guys.

june - The beach was a worthwhile experience, enhancing relationships with those new friends, and seeing gays in another environment. Left the beach with conflicted but minor new emotions. Went to nyc multiple times, became an uncle again, and started my fv-blogging. Saw a stephen colbert live taping and some of NY pride festival. Stayed with gay friends for all of pride weekend, and did my best to keep my energy up, with seeing an ex, and you-know-who, and wondering what was goin on inside. I chose to hide myself less, post-pride, and saw that February's bad night costed me an extra $122.

Unfinished Tribute to mom... written 5/13

I wrote the following May 13 of this year, and never finished it... And now she's gone

Hey Mom. Its been a while since we've talked. Actually I can't even remember when we truly had a heart to heart discussion. With you being sick, and me being away at school for most, well all, of my teenage life; we just haven't had the ability and time to strengthen our relationship. Times were rough and I always tried to be the "good one" and do "whats expected" of me. And as I look back at my "successes", I realize they have produced their own obstacles and consequences, which have shown themself in my relationships.

You've been sick for 18 years, and in a wheelchair for 14, and its hard. Hard for me to know what to do, and even how to do it. In the meantime, you all have pushed me, and I've pushed myself to do those things which you all wanted me to do. As the years passed, I have changed. I've begun to look into myself and figure out who I was made to be. Yet I've also struggled with "who you all want me to be". So I've always pushed my "self" away, and our exchanges focused on the goals, and what I've been doing. But those things don't matter as much now, and they are definitely not the important things in life.

And now when, I'm realizing this... it may be too late. You're condition has gotten worse, the younger ones are in their teens, and are coming into their own. And i'm far away, trying to do the same. On your birthday, you only saw two of your sons, and it wasn't more than a few hours. On mother's day, you went to the hospital and only one of your sons, visited you. You're memory isn't as sharp as before, and your mobility is getting worse day by day.

Change of mind

Ever go somewhere expecting one thing, or expect to say something but when you end up going through with whatever, you realized almost nothing you expected or planned to do or say was done.
This was a long week. And for the most part, I was feeling toooo well. Barack winning and wednesday night trivia were the only good highlights. The party last saturday, and the waste of a sunday left me in a somewhat socially-deprived mood. This mood continued, and I wanted someone to talk to later in the weeks, and they all seemed to be MIA. Also I chatted with this one guy, who I haven't talked to since January, when he lost interest in me. (Not that I haven't tried).

All of those occurences led me to think about the people in my life, present and past. I thought about those who didn't return my calls or texts, those who I used to talk to quite often, and those who are around me often. It left me questioning myself, those relationships with those people, and wondering where my future lies.

Yet, I kept finding myself dwelling on one person. He was the last person I was completely into, and he also had an affinity for me. But he started out as a friend, and it never got to be anything more than that. I thought of the reasons for why he didn't want to even try. Both the reasons he stated and reasons my mind hypothesized. As I saw him actually being into someone else, there was a point of inner conflict. He's my friend, and I want him to be happy. And the guy was quite a catch. So that's good. But at the same time, I saw the obvious differences between us. And its hard to fight the feeling of doubt within myself. Because I myself was (and am) "undeserving" and its an "unfair" position to put someone else in. Those words weren't stated specifically, but they were the logical foundations, based on the actual words used. As I was in this rut, there was one word, I was previously called, that brought me to tear(not tears, just one). The word.... was "helpful".

Now "helpful" isn't a bad word. And in certain situations... work, school, service, church, among people in need... the word may actually be a compliment. But when it was used, it was used as a response to words I used first. The words I used were more endowed with feelings and described their coolness as WHO that person IS(was) TO me. But that reply felt like a huge slap in the face. "Helpful" basically said, you're cool for what you DO FOR me. That still hurt the other day.

So as I was in a socially-deprived state and that friend was one of the MIA, I couldn't help but wonder if my "helpfulness" had sort of run its course. And I thought to other friendships, and wonder where else my friendship may have "run its course". I feel bad for thinking that, but Im one to analyze thoughts, such that I can overcome them.

Back to the start. This was my initial feelings around 5pm. But I started a new book, which is a book that represents the "person I want to be". So with that, I couldn't dwell on the other feelings when hanging out with people last night. And we ended up digging into a deeper personal issue within me. But that's for another time.

Choices #2

"Life is a constant series of negotiations", and I've come up with the following list: God, Family+Friends, and someone to share my life with. Being comfortable and happy, in those three areas are the main prescription for the doubts and confusions that I find myself in, I think. And my goal is that my choices will reflect those priorities. Work is important also, but that really doesn't cause any of the stress that I seem to find myself in, which is why its not on the list.

Last week Tuesday, I went to the High Heel Drag Race, which was a different kind of night. I was with 3 different people groups. And I was unsure how to balance them properly, but it went "ok". Tho certain people ended up being neglected(sorry Tim). But it was definitely good to see you Freddy, its been WAY too long. Suckiest part of the night, was that I lost my wallet. However, since then (after I cancelled my cards) the wallet turned up and I have it now.
Last Friday was halloween, and it seemed there were ample choices of things to do. And I decided to honestly apply the list to those choices. So I decided that it was a good time to try it out. A few times, in previous weeks/months past, I'd be with a group and not exactly "feel it". But I was there, and I'd rationalize my uncomfortability with the idea of being a "good friend." So I took a "personal night" to just try and recover and refocus. That night, I ended up reading an inspirational book then as I was about to go to bed. I allowed to let my roommate coax me into playing Guitar Hero. A few hours later, I read some more of the book and fell asleep. I finished the book the next day.

Saturday, because my other roommate didn't mention any real plans to celebrate his birthday, I decided to go to a disney themed halloween party in Fairfax at a friends house. I attempted to hang with friends in the in-between time, but that didn't happen(as usual). I ended up going as Dale from the Rescue Rangers, only costed $13. I mainly only knew two of the guys. As the party progressed, I realized there was alot going on in terms of the dynamics of the group. Me, being the outsider, didn't quite know what or why or between whom, but I guess its a good thing to usually be on the sidelines. One thing the party did remind me was that I'm old-ish. Almost everyone else was still in school, and a number of them were under 21. Sure me being 22 isn't old, but I'm not used to being one of the older people anywhere, neither am I used to college parties I guess. It was good tho cuz I got to see people in their native(lol) environments and there were definitely some "interesting" moments. I ended up crashing there, and headed home the next day(in spite of my attempts to hang with people who were out in that direction).

Tuesday was election day. I woke up after 7. Took two buses to go to the dentist. Then, two buses to go to vote at my old college. Then, two more buses to go to work. At work, a server went down, so we had to figure out how to backup and restore a few things, long story short... work didn't go as planned, and almost everyone wasn't even there, so it was demotivating. However, my client boss, who happens to be a lesbian, was hosting an election party at her house, starting at 7, and since it was down the road from me, I figured I'd pass by. There was also an election party being hosted at my place, but I figured it'd start late anyway. Plus, seeing a gay success story definitely helps the lack of hope I have in a "future." So after being there for most of the night, and having a couple drinks. I eventually left and during the traveling time, Barack won. I got home to a full house of old friends, and 2 random (white) neighbors. It was an awesome night. Mainly cuz "Yes We Are".

Wednesday I left work after 7, and decided to attempt trivia at Nellies. It was an attempt at recharging my "hope" in me an life. Its trivia, so I have something to do other than just drink, and it gives me a reason to jump into other groups of people. I eventually found 2 other guys and got them to join up with me and we did our best. They seemed like cool people, and they were young so that was as good as I could have hoped. I then got a ride from a somewhat neglected friend, and we got to talk and catch up on the way home.

So what does all that have to do with choices. In most of these occasions I spent a good amount of traveling time to and from by myself, and my thoughts. The question I tend to ask myself is "Why?".  Why am I going out by myself? Why are no friends responding to my invites? Why do I keep thinking about certain people? Where am I even going in life? How do I expect to get there? I usually don't have any good answers for myself, but I do try to hope and bring myself to a better point, in some way. I find myself trying to find hope and comfort with the gayaspect of my life. I hope to find a way to be open and honest with the non-gay friends and people I come across. I try to integrate my own life, and mind to be able to accept myself, and lower any residual conflicts. Yet as I do this, its hard when I look at some of the people around me. 

In both the gay and straight sets of people, there are filters. These filter are either put on by me or them, and they are the stopping points and boundaries for where friendships can go. I can't talk about certain things with straight friends, gay friends tend to be focused on other things and I may not know them well enough for us to talk about personal issues. 

So right now, I feel like I need a Reset button. Start afresh. People have shown where their friendship limits and boundaries are. I'm not one to force people into anything, so the only other option is to find new people. I basically started from scratch before, so I'm in this mindset to try again. This is why I choose to attend an election party (hosted at my house) late. Why I go out to dupont and DC by myself with no plan or goal hoping for some intangible thing.

So if we are what we choose... what exactly am I choosing? 

Choices (Pt 1 of 3...or 4)

I've been attempting to write a few different stuff for a while but never got around to completing them. In the past few minutes, I came up with the random idea of doing a theme for the next few blogs (feel free to join Freddy). This first theme has to do with "Choices". I've heard both of these phrases: "We are what we choose", and "Our choices are what define us". Everyday we make so many choices and decisions, with varying levels of consequences. I will attempt to expound upon the idea of choices in three or four ways, in the coming posts. stay tuned.

Ghandi said, "Be the change that you wish to see in the world." To that I'll add, "Voting for that change, if you're lucky enough to be able to, can also help in the matter."

Castaway

I feel like I'm Tom Hanks in Castaway. Its at the end of the movie after he delivers the package, and then he gets to the crossroads in the desert and stops. That's where the movie ends.

That's where I'm at, it feels, in my life. I've moved, I've come-out-ish. I've had some highs and lows in recent times. But what's the point. I've spent the better part of an hour just sitting here. Not wanting to go home, but having no other real alternative. I've looked at metros going in two possible directions, and I know which one I'll eventually get on. It'll be the one that will take me closer to home. Although I keep hoping that, someone will give me a reason not to. Common sense, past experience, and everything else says it won't happen. But I foolishly hope...

And it seems that is how my life is. I just keep hoping that things will change. I see a possible "future" and hope for that. But it seems that future is un-attainable for me. I want to believe, and I put myself in these situations to recharge my faith. But it seems pointless.

I see how people act and are. And try of think of why they are or do what they do, and try to learn how to add that into my decision-making. To make sure the "why"s for my actions, live up to the goals/standards of the person that I want to be.
Seems like I just have these unrealistic ideals for how I want my life to be. And it just doesn't work out. I live within that area, and use all that I have to fight the urge to lower myself. But there's a reason why people settle. Maybe I'm actually putting myself in an impossible situation. Where I want to have my cake and eat it to.... I guess I need to figure out what I want most, and learn to give up or settle on everything else...

Fabulousity

Yesterday, I finally decided to check out the Reel Affirmations Film Festival. They are showing LGBT-themed movies at a theater near chinatown, and also at the AFI in downtown silver spring. Since it was a wednesday and anything I'd want to watch at home, was set to be DVR-ed, I decided to go. After null responses from most people, one other friend decided it might be cool, so I went. The movie listed was titled Fabulousity, yet it was a collection of 9 short films, one of them being title Fabulousity. (Here are quick reviews of them in order of appearance/rememberance.Along wir=the ranking in parentheses afterwards.)

Fabulosity: A conservative couple learn what to expect after they discover that their son will be born with “fabulousity.” - Don Newcomb, US, 2007, 5 mins
Review - Funny, live-action musical-ish short film. Well done, and a joy to watch.(3)

Dolls: An unexpected find, while preparing for a yard sale, forces a mother to come to terms with her teenage son’s sexuality. - Randy Casperson, US, 2008, 10 mins.
Review - The pauses and silences are where this movie excelled. Everything else was subpar. Not the best telling of a typical scenario.(9)

Romeo’s Kiss: As if there isn’t enough drama in the drama class already! When Juliet leaves the room, rehearsal continues with a male stand-in, and Romeo’s kisses become much more passionate. - Julien Eger, FRANCE, 2007, 12 mins
Review - The movie was in French, and of course, the rude french bastards didn't add subtitles. But it was an okay story focusing on the conflicting emotions and hormones present in the teen years.(8)

Something Like That: Boy meets girl. Girl takes boy to club. Boy meets boy. Boy takes girl to grocery store. Touching Brazilian tale about lights, laughter, and lust. Or could it be love? - Esmir Filho, BRAZIL, 2006, 15 mins.
Review - At first I didn't get the girl. but then my friend said it was basically a "Girl who likes a boy that likes boys". Looking back at it, it captured the idea perfectly and was one of the better films.(2)

Neurotica: Picture this: you are standing alone in a club and everyone is looking at you. Are you sexy? Is your hair standing on end? Or are you just gay?! - Nick Wauters, US, 2007, 14 mins.
Review - Hands down, BEST movie of the night. Me and my friend both identified with the main characted and his inner thoughts. A fun retelling of the different attitudes, thoughts, and ideas about what happens in a gay/club bar. (1)

Herzhaft: No matter how often the story makes the headlines.. some people never learn. A coach and his underage player are having a passionate affair , one that everyone knows won't end well. - Martin Busker, GERMANY, 2007, 15 mins.
Review - Definitely a realistic tale complete with an unhappy ending. I'd almost feel for the guy, but I can't.(6)

Sweat: To prove to his boyfriend that he’s open minded, Simon heads to a London bathhouse where he finds two potential replacements. Can either one give him what he came for? - John Lochland, UK, 2007, 15 mins.
Review - The most graphic of the movies. But thats about the only thing it had. The idea was "ehh", and it had no real conclusion or climax, so it felt like a waste.(10)

Just: After meeting for a casual hook-up, two men learn more about each other and, in a moment of vulnerability, share their views on fidelity and monogamy in the modern world. - David Maurice, US, 2007, 12 mins.
Review - Not the best ending, but it was interesting to see Asians(without accents) acting(without fighting). But the dialogue and their views were very true to life and represented both ends of the spectrum. (5)

Mirror Mirror: Are you the fairest of them all? He used to think so. Now who are you without him? - John Winter, AUSTRALIA, 2007, 10 mins.
Review - It was a well done movie, about a drag queen coming to terms with his older age. Not particularly funny or dramatic, but was good for what it was.(7)

The Red Dress: A wily woman escapes suspicious dress shop clerks and breaks into a church morgue in a heroic attempt to honor Lily’s true identity and final request. Her efforts and eulogy pay tribute to a friend who knew herself more than most. - Barney Cheng, US, 2008, 7 mins.
Review - A good(although not nice) twist at the end, saves this movie from the confusing beginning/middle. (4)

Tonight they have a documentary about some queer rock band, and TNG is
making an event out of it. I'm probably going to go, and if you're interested in going, let me know.

Coming Out Day 2008

I did it. I followed through with my goal, and made it a day to remember. I told the one roommate I was gay. And introduced him to some of my gay friends. I'm guessing it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Especially because in recent months, I've been "buttering him up" to the idea. Giving him reason and slight evidence to draw the gay conclusion. Here's his response to the letter:

"I wondered when you were going to do this. I thought later than sooner... But i've known you as a friend for a pretty long while.. so i don't see myself changing how i act towards u... or anything changing between us... or anything changing at all... business as usual... do u son.

Speaking of business as usual...Aint trying to cramp your style or nothing. but ive been feeling the "out of sight" thing... i assume uve been feeling it too judging by your choice of tonight... but yeah.. have fun son!"

I'm not exactly sure of what the "out of sight:" reference means, but in time. I"ll reply and ask for more detail. And the housewarming went pretty well. Out of the close friends, Freddy was the only missing person. But I"m glad of how it went. And it may be the first of many gay and/or mixed nights at the new place. As I step further out of the closet, I am looking forward to the new experiences that life will offer.

Welcome Home...

So I'm officially moved in to the new pad. Its in downtown silver spring, and walking distance to the metro!! Awesome. Also nearby buses(16th and 14th street) run late EVERYDAY. So NO more expensive cab rides from late nights in DC. Things are definitely looking up. And also... we now have an HD-Dvr cable box. So that definitely adds even greater reason to not be home at all.

However, that definitely seems to not make sense, in a few ways. Why is it that the best thing about this new place, is the flexibility I'll have to not be there. That's a problem. I guess part of the reason is that, I don't usually see these places as "home". I've moved around a lot, so I never really invested in my room, or the house itself, because my mind sees it as a temporary thing.

But now. I'm wanting to change that perspective. I want to get in the mindset of semi-permanence. Knowing that things don't last forever, but they can last for a while. And that I can invest in something that may not last, but at least I can enjoy it for those moments.

I'm on my way to tell one of the roommates who I am. And its weirdly motivating, being scared and excited at the same time. But lastly, I just had definite word that both roommates will be gone for the weekend, and I have monday off. So its ON saturday, at my place. Let me know if you wanna come, and what you'd wanna do.

Interesting Times

Sunday morning I woke up, and was surprised to see my roommate still at the house. He joking remarked that he'd be leaving soon, and I can bring my boyfriend over to have gay sex with. I think I carried the joke, and replied with a "maybe next week". Then in carrying the joke further, he went on to say that I should just come out of the closet. Its a better place to be for people and what not. And then he said, being in the closet is easier for the people like him, because then they don't have to think about or deal with it, still mostly joking. And that gay jokes can be pretty fun and funny, and that an actual gay person there would take the fun out of it. Because then it would/could be seen as offensive, I guess.

After he said that, I felt completely mixed about my reply. I thought I could come out to him, which goes along with the point he jokingly made. I could actively lie about it, and pretend I took offense for his gay implications, or I could just sorta let it be. I did the latter, and just let him move on. But as I was hearing his words, I listened to the argument he made. It wasn't the typical anti-gay, religious perspective. It showed an understanding of the unchangeability of it all, and the notion of self-acceptance. I remember the other month,which I might have blogged about, when he posed a question to a group of us randomly one night. The question being "What would you do if your son turned out to be gay?", and how the expressions of all those there became more somber. But because this roommate does a lot of new research(reading blogs, newspapers, and other online sources of information), he's more apt to look at evidence and outside perspectives to base his reactions off of.

Because of all that, and the fact that the other roommate will be gone this weekend. And the fact that it'd be nice for me to invite you guys to the new place, I feel like I should come out to him. Its a very complex thing, and in a way its a disarming place to put him in, but I shouldn't be limiting my life, for the sake of others' "comfortability". Plus its also Coming Out Day saturday, so this just might make sense.

Now Press Repeat

This is a special Now Press Repeat edition. I'm going to include three songs that i thoroughly enjoy and add them to the page.

First off is Santogold. A lot of people call her a fake-me-out M.I.A. but I think she's pretty neato without the comparison. Her beats are smoother than M.I.A.'s and she doesn't force feed you the rhythm down your throat, while still be innovative. Her real name is Santi White and she picked up the name Santogold after acquiring the pet name in grade school by some friends. Her self-titled debut album came out this year and many of her songs have been picked up by commercials like Bud Light Lime and showcased on Gossip Girl a couple times. Today's song pick (which wasn't easy btw) will be two of her big ones, Lights Out & L.E.S. Artistes.

As for our third pick of the week I choose the Jonas Brothers' Lovebug. I think this song is soo catchy and its def. packaged well to make it big on the radio...my favourite part is when it picks up at the end. (Yeah I'm a little 15 year old girl inside!) Anyway...Ch-Che-Check it out!!

Because I Can

Notice: There's no pic for this one!!

So your buddy here has been M.I.A. for quite some time now.

mostly because I haven't had the energy to blog, not that there hasn't been things to blog about. So in order to set things right in the world a brief recap of my life and what causes me to have nightmares at night will ensue:

Since the time of my last post, which i don't even remember what it was about, I quit my job, moved in with my boyfriend and started classes at the local community college. I turned 22, adopted two chihuahuas (Mo & Pacho), and haven't been out much to the clubs or bars in several weeks. Leila moved out on her own and Axel broke up and got back together with his ex several times. I've been looking for jobs but it haven't proven to be very lucky. Hopefully, I'll score something within the next week. I got a couple interviews locked up for the rest of this week. I talk to my mother about once a day and she still refers to Travis as "my friend" and I always have to correct her and tell her that he's more than just my friend.

Summer has officially ended and in doing so, my shows have finally started to come back. Heroes premiered on monday after a long ass hiatus and Gossip Girl has been on for almost a month now. Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters start this sunday. Monday night, as I was watching Heroes, I started feeling sick and by the end of the show my tonsils had swollen and hurt really bad and my nose had clogged up and I figured "fuck i'm sick!!" I've been sick since then and still have a stuffy nose except now i have a right eye that tears up for no apparent reason. I've been out here in Ellicott City for almost a month now and its bittersweet because I love being with my boyfriend but at the same time, I'm racking much debt in the friends department. Some of whom i haven't even seen Helen's birthday on the 15th of August. Hopefully, with Axel's birthday being two days away, some of my friends will decide to go party with him and I'll be able to see him.

A funny thing has happened while I've been living with Travis. Two of my besties who I had lost touch with a couple years ago, all of sudden, won't stop calling me and our friendship has picked up right where it was left off and i think its great.

I've been on the up and up with my music so I'll be glad to start Now Press Repeat again, even if the only person who pays attention to it may be Justin, and sometimes not even. I'm trying to broaden your musical horizons Justin!! Its you who I think about when I pick a song!! (ish)

And on to what bothers me about the world today...

Palin is a fucking dumbass pick for VP and McCain is a fucking joke. So he's trying to postpone the debate he has with Obama for friday...because of the financial crisis. I find that to be a bitchmove on his part because AT THIS MOMENT IS WHEN I WANNA SEE THE TWO PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES DUKE IT OUT AND PROVE WHO WOULD BE BEST AS PRESIDENT SEEING AS THAT THEY WILL INHERIT THE FINANCIAL CRISIS. get me on this...

and that's what's bothering me today...catch you later folks, i can't stop sneezing!!

New Season

YAY for the new season! September 22 is the official beginning of the Fall, but more importantly(or at least equally) it was the beginning of the new season of Heroes! Which was awesome, and it is/was a good distraction. Last year around this time Halo 3 came out, which was also an awesome distraction from the ups and downs of life. I tend to look into new seasons and dates to help motivate me into change and growth. This past summer was awesome, for equally good and bad reasons. I've put myself through ups and downs, hopes that have been high and then crushed, and just times of confusion. But now I just gotta pick myself up, and start this next season of life. Its a season of change, and not much of it looking to bright. However, its necessary. Just gotta go through with it, and let things fall where they may.

Home Sweet Home

This past week, I took Thursday and Friday off. I did this for a couple reasons. First, the week was already highly productive and I have been itching to take a day off at some point. Second, my youngest brother would be visiting from academy so all of us brothers would be around-ish. Third, my other younger brother would be having his first church league basketball game. Fourth, my mom needs to move soon, and me being able to help would be a good thing. Fifth, my grandmother is plannin on closing her nursery school, nd she also needs to clean out her house, so I'd be able to help in that respects also. Lastly, if i;m in nyc on a weekday I can attempt to go to a late night show, or one of the last games in Yankee stadium. And to take pictures of the little ones. So with these ideas in mind I headed out for home.
However, home has this lazy-intesifying and demotivating effect on me. So most of the time I made little effort on those various goals. And I actually put a lot of time, pressure, and stress in to a completely different area. I had already started to make this "coming-out" schedule/plan, and in thinking about people to put on the list, one person came to mind. A friend/mentor/teacher/pastor from my highschool days. Its been probably 4 years since we've had any contact, and its one of those people/friends who I care about. So I'd rather tell them directly now, plus with their background I figure it'd be easier than other people. So wednesday, I got their email address at work, and started to write a letter. I began with a recap of what my family is up to, and then went into my experience. Over the course of the next couple days, a couple emails were sent back and forth. It wasn't many emails, just 3 or 4. However, it took alot out of me. Hours of time choosing the right words, much confusion and worry waiting ofr a response, and wondering what they are going through. It was no easy thing.
The worst part about it, is that its gonna get a whole lot harder on a number of reasons. First, it was to a pastor/teacher/friend, so they are trained to deal with people and their situations. They also haven't seen me, or interacted with me in a number of years, so its not like they "are forced" to deal with me. Unlike roommates or family, who can't really avoid me altogether. So I'm not exactly sure how to feel about it all. Also going through those feelings really made me feel like I wanted someone else there to bounce things off of, and just be there as support. And not too many people were around. So that definitely didn't help, but sometimes all you got is you....
Anyways, I'm back in town now. And I'm off to hang with some friends, and buy that book from the HRC store. Since few of those goals were completed in any real way, I may have to go back to NYC in 8 or 9 days if something short of a miracle doesn't happen first. But YAY for DC and maryland. Its good to be home.

No Facebook or AIM...

Today I forgot to bring my phone as I rushed out of the house to catch a ride to work from my roommate. Earlier, this morning I had decided to stay away from both facebooks for the entire day. But I knew I'd have my phone with me, and that I would still be "attached" through that, and people would be able to reach me if they were so inclined. But now, I have no phone and "resolve" to stay off of facebook.

When I realized my phone was home, I had mixed reactions as to whether this was a good or bad thing. It is true, that I'm basically cut off from the world, outside of my work environment. Yet I also don't have any real responsibilities or obligations, that would make it NECESSARY for someone to get a hold of me. So in a way, I'm liberating myself from the chains of technology and constant "connectedness". Although, its not exactly easy to free oneself from the mindset and/or habits, of jumping on facebook or seeing who's online on AIM or wondering who, if anyone is trying to reach me.

The most ironic part of all this is that yesterday a friend's facebook status was that he was going to go the whole day without using his phone. One comment led to another, and I ended up saying "I can go a whole day without using my phone or facebook... i just don't wanna, so i'm not gonna(anytime soon)". Yet other circumstances and feelings brought me to that place today. With all that said, this is my official notice to people letting them know the whats up. (Yet, I wonder how many will read this here, or the automatic repost into facebook.)

PS - I'm going to NYC tonight/tomorrow morning... YAY Family

Word of the Month: "Resolve"

Resolve - to deal with successfully : clear up; to reach a firm decision about; - verb
fixity of purpose : resoluteness; - noun

This is my goals for the next month, and hopefully it'll stick. Oftentimes, I'll write To-Do Lists, goals, hopes, and plans. Yet, I don't always follow through. Certain events, words or experiences will show me where I'm at, and I recognize it is not where I WANT to be. Then I figure out a way to cross that gap, motivate myself, and attempt to start the process. But after some amount of time passes, I regress. I let fear, difficulty, "responsibility", the "past", and other factors stop my progress. Then, after some time, I go through the same steps again. After I make a decision, I will be firm about it, and not let my purpose falter until I have success.

Last week, I've been in this "blah" mood at times. And on Friday responded to me in the most correct way. They showed me my flaws, and exposed my own faulty logic. They told me the words I was saying, the ideas that i said I believed in, and then how my actions were the opposite. Basically referring to my closeted-ness. I posed the statment saying "When or will anyone ever take the risk on me?", and he responded saying "Why do you want someone else to take a risk on you, when you won't even take the risk on you?"... those words definitely cut deep.

So apart from feeling like an undeserving piece of shi-ite. I was determined more than ever to fix the problem, and put myself in a better position for the future. Now, I have to begin to come out of the closet with "resolve". I can not turn back, or let this decision waver. I have to set things in motion, and not let myself go back on my decision. And I've just about completed this awesome book, which has helped my motivation and given me hope for the future. I should finish it tomorrow, and I'll write about it later.

Week in Review

I've been attempting to blog all week, but couldn't really put things into the proper words. I still can't but I'll try. Last Saturday was definitely an interesting time... combining peoples, sorting through my feelings and doing town. It ended alright, although there was a fair amount of tension for about an hour, and then 3+ more hours of group-iffy-ness. But at least by the time we all parted ways, things were better. But that whole ordeal, put me in a "restart paradigm." As in, a new way of thinking starting with a reset. I saw how those people are, and the extent that they can go, so in one sense, I'm looking to other people. Not saying anything about them, just I'm going to spread my focus much wider.
The week began with me being motivated to start anew. I worked out, did some planning and cleaning, restated some goals for my immediate-ish future. Tuesday people's were going to freddies, so I decided for that to be an out day. I figured I could go to Nellies for happy hour, then freddies to chill. I got a couple other people to come out to nellie's, and it was fun and good to mix things up. then I left to freddies before 8. After previously telling the people we should meet earlier, since I have to leave for metro/bus reasons, AND since I have all that time to spare. I hoped that they would take that into consideration, but no... they got there after 10. That 1.5 hour wait changed my mood. I sang "I Try"-macy gray, and thought alot about why I was out there. then I sang 2 songs which I didn't really know. And then it was basically time to go. But Sean(thanks !!) said I could crash there, so I stayed. The rest of the night went... and I crashed in Va. While texting a friend that is also in one of these "blah-single" moods.
Yesterday another friend talked about being in a similar mood... and I'm like whats going on here. This mood is in the air this week. I'm not sure why, and we all have our individual reasons for it. But its just an interesting thing. But yesterday was also a NewGay event at Solly's so I was definitely up for that. It was good and I got to mingle, see some familiar faces. Get a few names to friend on facebook, LOL. It was alright, just the rum and cokes tasted like crap.

In other news, I finished a major thing at work, which can "Revolutionize the field" or so my boss-ish-lady says. And me and my roommates are approved to move to downtown silver spring(1.5 blocks from the Metro).

Lastly, I was messaging this one friend, and in my venting, I said I wanted someone else to take a "risk" on me... which he replied asking whether "I'm even taking a risk on mySELF". Ouch...

Goals for the rest of the year...

Goals
Drivers License - October 15
Graduate School applications - October 1
Driving School - September 15 - 26
Summit Hills(??) - October 1
Register for a class - October 15
Come out to .... - October 11
New Job/Raise - January 3
Find Mom a house - September 15
Dentist - October 12
Vacation 1
Bi-weekly mingling event

Wishlist
Camera
Fix Mac
Move to a metro
Update wardrobe
Get a better phone/service
I-Pod
New Racquetball Gear
Find Side Job/Hobby with potential for pay
Car - December 23
Vacation 2

The Journey Begins

Yesterday GLOBE(Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual Employees of the Federal Government) had a happy hour at Cobalt. I heard about it from the Metro weekly and figured it'd be a good step to start in. It wasn't too bad. The $3 smirnoff drinks also helped!! After, I went to McDs to get dinner and figure out if anyone was out doing anything. Most people were staying in(if they even replied). So I asked myself(and Ian) whether I should to call it a night, or risk it. Risk it!

I proceeded to go to Jr's and get a juice to make up for the 4 drinks. It was packed as usual, so I didn't get to play pool. So I walked back and forth from Jr's to Cobalt. And when I was going back to Jr's, I was looking and counted any stares/glances(4), was a good little motivator. Then at Jr's, some dude said "Hi". So I jumped into his little group. He said like 6-7 months ago, he said he DID say hi to me, but I blew him off. I definitely don't remember that, and it makes me wonder if my usual actions lower my approachability level. He was a nice guy, and his friends were cool too. Sorta sad tho... his one friend's mom had died the night before, so it was like a "we'll take him out, night". Well he bought me 2 drinks. He let on that he was interested in me, but you know me and my fear of old(32ish+) people. But we chatted and I left there around 11:45, and went back to cobalt. Watched part of the package contest, talked with some random dude, attempted to dance, bought another drink, saw Mauricio, took my polo off, talked with bouncer dude steve, and then caught a cab home after 2 am.(after 7 attempts, since no one goes to MD)

But today is a new day, and except for a minor headache, i'm good. (Tho I wonder if 7 or 8 drinks is a bad thing). And I'm looking forward to this weekend... it going to be interesting. What's his name is back, and we all may hang out again Saturday. And possibly go to TOWN with others, (PS YOU are definitely welcome to join). I'm actually hoping the Town group will be bigger, cuz two diff people that inspire wierd feelings may be there, so that will be interesting or at least confusing for me. But right now I'm in an awesome mood-ish. Last night was alright, my job paid me ON TIME, I should be getting a haircut tonight, and I'm rocking out at work now to Micah. I'm inspired and on this road. I'm even switched over to the new facebook, as a way for me to "embrace change".

What do I want... only one way to find out

Crap. I'm in this very "blah" mood... still. Its like what should I be doing at this point in time. I really felt like my personal life was going to go into a new frontier. I almost felt this way a few times before, and I carefully thought about each step I took to get there. It made sense, I listened to his words, and thought about my feelings, and thought I was on the right track. Little did I know I was as far as I could go, and nothing more is possible. Here I am, a week later. Not really cool yet, but its not as bad, cuz I've accepted it more.

Now my resolve is to figure out what I want relationship-wise. I end up here, cuz I'm still unsure of myself in that aspect. And even though, my belief that the best relationships start out from a foundation of friendship. but even know I'm not sure what I want or expect from a relationship, and I always did wonder "what if I enter into a potentially awesome relationship, but make 'rookie mistakes' cuz of my neivity or lack of experience. So I guess I'm putting myself out there, to learn, and figure some things out. I have nothing really to lose, and can enjoy the distraction. Plus there is a reason and benefit behind it, so it makes it more worth it. Also, just because I'm not exactly looking for something awesome, doesn't mean I can't find it. The easiest way to not look for something in one place, is to look for it somewhere else.(I think)

Thoughts??

Definitely an Off Night

Wow...I had an interesting night yesterday. So instead of truly tackling the issue. I jumped right into lions den, and it wasn't pretty. When I asked others for their opinions and suggestions on the best methods of healing... there was one main answer: "Stay away from the cause!!". But not me, I had already committed to the night, so I couldn't just cancel. So I got new headphones, so I could listen to encouraging, inspirational, uplifting music and headed out. Before they all arrived, I IM'ed/texted a few people for a little extra encouragement as I was about to be in an awkward position. Sadly the text conversation never stopped, and I ended up texting for most of the night which came off as rude.
So as we ate dinner and walked around, I guess I was somewhat distant. And tried to limit eye contact and stuff because it was not easy to change the way I saw him before. I know where I needed to be, but no idea how to get there. So after dinner and dessert we headed towards apex and someone else joined our group which helped slightly. But then we made it to Apex. Apex itself is my Achilles Heel... It has the power to break me, and make me feel inadequate, unfit, and scared at the same time. But I try not to just let things win, without a fight... so I went in. Having the foot injury didn't do much for my already subpar dancing skills, so I did even less moving then usual.
As time went on, more people came. Including some familiar faces... most of them were not in good standing based on how they have related to me in the past, whether or not in person. And it reinforced the negative ideas apex already into my mind. Add to that the physical burden of my foot, and the emotional burden on my heart, I succumbed to the pressure. And had to get away from the people directly around me, and have a seat, gather myself and try to feel better overall. It sorta worked, but then my mind let the immediate situations with the group and random Apexians I eventually just had to leave. My camera batteries died, so I decided to go to CVS, and listen to music to put me in a better place. When I got back, I realized I sorta messed up their night, letting my emotions go out of control. And I could jjust feel it, they dropped me off at 7 eleven and I made a slight apology as I left their car.
I should have never went out, I would have been in a much better place, theoretically. But also the one random awesome part, was that I did get to finally meet a friend that I chat with every so often. That was highlight of my night, and diamond in the rough. But with most people being gone this weekend, hopefully I'll make much personal progress, and be over his face.

I need to heal!!

Last week friday, I decided that I would play basketball with some co-workers and random people at the nearby community center. It's a good workout, and even though I'm not good, I try. So when one guy was on a fast, I ran to keep a body on him. And I jumped in an attempt to block his layup(while running), and landed directly on my heel. It sucked, and it hurt, but I played on. I ran on my toes for that foot, and played for the next half hour. Afterwards, I went to the nurse, and she put Ice on it, wrapped it, and told me I should stay off it. She even lent me a cane, to help me get around. I followed directions that first day, icing it and trying to stay off it. But since then, I've been slacking. I walked around alot Saturday, Sunday I went to ATL and everyday I walked on it. Most times without the cane. Its like a narcissistic,self-centeredness that leads me to think I can take the pain, or that somehow I'll be better for it. Even today it still hurts at times, and I am not moving around as much.... but still I'm going about this the wrong way. Everyday I'm expecting it to feel better, but I wonder if the healing process takes more than just "time". I think I should go to a doctor and get a professional opinion, maybe even an x-ray.

With that being said, I realize that this tendency transfers into other areas of life. Like right now, I'm hurting on the inside. And I don't know how to deal with it. I know that nothing can come from all of the feelings I have inside, so obviously I need to get over them. But how? How do I stop feeling? Well, how to I take these feelings and put them in a shredder, so that they wont be put back together? Before it was easy, cuz the feelings were based on dreams, and when analyzed there was no foundation. But when there are roots that go within, how do you successfully get rid of whats left, and leave room for a future seed. I just want my heart to be healed. Or at least start the process. I don't want to lie to myself or find some type of replacement/distraction, I want to tackle this head on, so that I won't mess the future up, due to residual pain.

Anyone have a recommendation for treatment? Is there a doctor in the house?

Goodbye Atlanta!

Now I'm making my leave from Atlanta. DCish, Here I come! I got to see new sights, do some exploration, think about certain things and umm work. I took a number of pictures, and think I'm somewhat better for the experience. Sucky part is that Atlanta Gay Black Pride weekend starts tonight.... Figures... Pray for my safe return. Later!

And there it goes...

Its been a long time, over a month, since I've posted on here, about whats going on with me. So here we go. The past month has been so up and down on so many levels. And it seems, there's been many thoughts, but no final action or end result. Family issues, minor old friend/roommate issues, and personal ideas/inner battles/dreams/hopes/feelings.
My family will be moving soon, where? and how?, no one knows. My relationship with my roommates and many older friends have been put on hold, and I'm not sure why I don't resume them. And even though I can let them know where I've been and why, I don't really feel like it'll be of any help. Work is alright, and my shopping list has grown, but that'll take care of itself, I guess. Personally there is much too much going on.
I've allowed myself to go too far with certain emotions. I've felt like it was possible, and took certain actions and words to give my heart the right to do what it wants. My mind however, is the reasonable one, and it has never stopped trying to keep me under control. Anyways, my mind was right. The heart shouldn't be free to feel/do whatever it wants. My only wish, is that I was stronger earlier to stop myself, before going so far down the valley.
I've also came out to an old friend who lives in Philly. I figure he's known me since I was 11, so for almost half my life. So he took it easily, and was like "it won't affect our friendship, you're like my bro, and nothing could change that". So that was somewhat empowering, but not really cuz I figured he was one of the more "liberal" friends that I've had. On the same note, I've been dropping, well allow hints, to my roommates to begin to question-ish. Like leaving the rainbow wristband, in the open in my room. And at least one roommate has seen it before, and who knows will maybe ask about it one day.
On a happier note, I will be going to ATL next week for a work conference. I'll be leaving on the Sunday and Returning on the wednesday. I have a presentation with a co-worker on the monday, and he'll be leaving on the tuesday... with all that said, I'll have ample time to myself to explore and if you know where/what in atlanta is worth checking out... LET ME KNOW!!
Well, today I need to work on the process of getting rid of some feelings. And later Kevin and Matt are doing Freddies so I'll be there, and probably drinking the emotions away!

Feliz Cumpleanos Freddy!!!

Worst Bus Trip Ever!!!

I went to NYC this past weekend to go to Dorney Park with my brothers and their family and our home church people. Anyways, it turns out that my oldest brother's wife's cousin lives 20 minutes away. So my sister-in-law suggested we come up together :-/. This meant, I couldn't do my usual hang out in DC then catch the last bus. So she picked me up from work on Friday, and parked by my place. And we took the bus and metro to catch the Chinese bus.

So we buy tickets for the 7:30 bus. Around that time, we hear that one of their buses got in a car accident and it caused major traffic on the way back to DC. A good sign of things to come. So the bus eventually comes, around 7:45. And we leave a little after 8 pm. Ten minutes later, the bus stops and the bus driver says, "Hold on for a minute everybody". He gets out, and what do we see, a McDonalds. He comes back and is like "Thanks for letting get some food everybody. It is my birthday, and I've been working all day. Anyone want an apple pie? I have two..." Later on, the bus passes through baltimore, but not like greyhound, where the stop is a few minutes off the highway. This bus goes through Baltimore for about 10-15 minutes, to the next stop. Gross!

After another hour. He gets gas, and tells people they have half an hour to eat and whatever. That definitely sucks. It doesn't feel good, cause it already after 10, and I was planning on getting to nyc around midnight. So around midnight, the bus driver stops at a gas station. We are confused because, we just stopped recently. And 10 minutes later he tells us the bus has a flat tire, so he's calling his boss and so he can know what to do. Finally after about an hour and a half, the new bus comes and we continue on our way. We finally arrive at Penn Station minutes after 2 am.

On the way back, I planned to go to work. So I attempted to catch the 7 am bus from chinatown. However, I was woken up by my cousin-in-law. Which automatically told me I overslept. I leave with her and we get a ride to the subway. We get off at Penn Station 15 minutes before the bus leaves. I was hungry and hoping to get pancakes or hash browns from McDonalds for the ride. However, I had no idea where we were to catch the bus at. So we are walking around Madison Square Garden, and we find the bus about 5 minutes before take off. With no breakfast. He makes his was back down south. And again passes through baltimore. On a local Baltimore street, he stops at some random corner.

Five to ten minutes later, people say he hit a car and is talking with the owner. No one sees any damage to the other car, so we think the other lady is just being a bitch, and we figure they'd switch information and we can all go on our way. Eventually a cop comes, and we figure it'll be done in a few minutes. The driver of the car then comes onto the bus, and starts asking each individual person on the bus for the name, age and address. As she gets closer, I realize she has a gun on her hip.

It turns out the she was in the car with her detective partner. And the bus actually took her car's mirror off. And since it was a police vehicle, the name, age, and address of everyone involved must be recorded. So after an hour and a half. That ordeal was done. We get to the baltimore stop, and then DC by 3.

So Friday's trip from home to home - 5:30 to 3:30, mondays trip from home to home 7:45 - 4:30. SO here is a recommendation for all readers, do BoltBus.com or maybe even washingtondeluxe.com, I've heard good things about both. I know i'll be using them in the future, for sure.

Now Press Repeat

So Justin and I have been on hiatus for little bit. It wasn't a communal decision, it kindah just happened and each for distinct reasons. Hopefully, we'll get back and up and blogging. But for now, here's a little jam I discovered from Travis while driving up to the beach this weekend. I don't know how long its been out or much of anything about the song or its singer actually. What I do know is that like its title, it makes me want to get up and just dance!!! Again, I hope our lil blogging break may be over soon, I've been extremely busy with Costa Rica, work and the beach. I'll post pics and stories and so much more soon.

A Success Story

The other saturday after hanging out with Sam, and before meeting up with Matt and Tim, I was bored and walking round 17th street. While walking I bumped into Dale, a 34 yr old guy I met a couple times at the Young Gay Professionals meetup group. He was at Jack's and eating with his asian friend, Peter. I decided to hang with them and just take it easy. We ended up walking to his friends house nearby.

As I entered the house, I was instantly amazed. It was awesome. Like everything just went and it was just so well done. And although my house will never look like that, it did give me ideas of how my house will look. There was a Buddhist theme, you could say. But while there, Dale made us drinks, and we hung out and chilled for around an hour. He showed us pictures of him and his partners travels and talked about stuff. His partner was an interior designer, which made me understand why their house looked so awesome. Here are some of the major highlights:

They redid their basement, by dropping it four feet, adding a second stairway/exit to the kitchen. That's an idea, which I never would have thought, but it definitely something I can think about for my future pad.

Second, their backyard... WOW! To see what it had compared with what's probably around them, it was cool. In the middle, there was like a pebble pit, with a table and chairs to hang out. There was also a fountain structure, against the fence, and it had a Buddha structure on it.

The first floor had a pretty modern kitchen. Big fish tank, japanese style lights, and a huge Buddha head(which was lined up with the Buddha on the fountain in the backyard). They also had random artwork, and things that just fit.

The buddhist theme continued onto upstairs. There were mini statues in the guest bedroom, along with a fake(??) fireplace, flat screen TV, and impressive artwork. There was also a nice view of the backyard/fountain from there. The main bathroom had to entryways, one to the hallway and the other to the master bedroom. In their bedroom, there was a real gong. Like Asian palace, gong. It was definitely a well done house.

It wasn't just the physical aspect of the house, but also the relationship. So the guy I met was 30somethin Peter. Accomplished Asian scientist, travels for work and pleasure. Has a technical mind, in charge of people and teams for work, low key, non-drinking guy. His partner, I'm inferring, was around the same age, black, interior designer. More of a creative type, and did most of the work into setting up the house as it is. He does drink, but it seems they mesh very well together. Both are accomplished people and are just at an awesome place in life. They moved to DC together from NYC, 7 years ago. So who knows how long they've been together.

It was the first real gay success story, I've ever seen in person. And it truly showed some light, at the end of the tunnel. Now I have a little more evidence, or maybe even "role models", that I can aspire to be like. in 5 - 10 years.

Freddy Vacay # 2

btw foreign keyboards suck because the shift button is waay to small and i have to keep looking down every 2.5 seconds to look for certain symbols or have to backspace 24/7 because i typed the wrong symbol. sucks but all in all i´m having a blast...kindah sad that i´ve only got 2 days left to enjoy and then i´m out of here...back to the old grind which is quite depressing. yesterday i went ziplining through the cloud forest and that was intense!! i have a video clip of moi doing this thing called the tarzan swing which was basically just jumping off this high ass platform and hope that the rope we´re attached to will hold u....i´m not quite sure what our plan is for today but i´m thinking we may be heading back to San Jose in the evening. Right now i´m in monteverde...post this on the blog if u wish to update the fans...lol as if we have any...can´t wait to hang out so we can catch up on the happenings of the week

freddy

Freddy Vacay #1

hey darlings what´s upits wednesday july 16, 10:19 in the morning, 12 ur time hope all is wellback in the states. i´ve only got a few days left here in costa rica andooooh my gosh it is super super beeeoootiful. you guys have no idea whatur missing out on, sunny skies, the blue-est beaches in the world. i´vehad gallo pinto everyday for breakfast which consists of rice and beansand an egg. also unfortch, i´ve spent most of my savings and have just afew measly dollars left. i´ve yet to learn how to convert the dollar tocolones which is the currency they use here. and no glenda its notsalvadoran colones because <$1 equals like 510 colones. i´ve been in SanJose for 2 days, then we went to this remote town near the Nicaraguanborder and spent 2 days there. private beaches and the rain forestprovided great chances for cool pictures. the car we rented got stuckin the mud 2 nights ago while we were trying to take a short cut back toour lodge. we ended up walking 2 hours to get to the nearest house andasked the lady who was nice enough to let us use her cell phone so wecould call our hotel. the owner, a really nice guy named manuel came 40mins later with a vintage land rover to help pull us out. lets just sayit took 5 guys, the land rover a chain and lots of will power to getthat ugly ass retarded car out the fuckin mud, by the end of it we wereall dirty, i had cow shit and mud up to my knees and I was not a happycamper!! mind you all of this took place at night where there are nocity lights walking thru the rainforest hearing bird calls and frogs andmonkey calls freaked us out!! last night we spent the night in a hotelin Tilaran where we are now. it has a internet cafe which is why i´mwriting to you guys now, a quaint little town on our way to Monteverde.Monteverde is home to Quakers (the religion which is what Travis is) andis also a reservation for the rain forest. i´m gonna do some zip liningand maybe some bungee jumping (yaaaaay!!! i´ll take pictures) and prollysome more sun bathing by Lago Arenal which means Lake Arenal. miss youguys tons...anyway x´s and ó´s

Freddy Costa Rica Reyes

Birthday Feelings

Wow... I'm old. 22. True I definitely could be much older, but its also the oldest I've ever been. So in one way its scary. But more importantly, my birthday was fun! I got to do a number of different things with a number of different people, and I'm glad they were able to share it with me.

On the flip side, I was also a little disappointed with a few people. I mean, I planned these events with them in mind, and did my best to get them to come out. And they didn't make it. True, some had perfectly valid excuses, and some I didn't expect to come out anyway. But a couple of y'all just decided it wasn't worth your time. And I accept your decision. Sometimes I try to hold on to people, or see people as better friends than they are. But as I get older, I realize that people will show themselves when they are put to the test. And its sad to say.... but if they fail. Then I need to just let them go.

Another issue that came to the forefront on my birthday is the fact that I'm IN! In the closet, that is :-/. Why? and what really do I have to lose with telling someone? In one sense, not much. I live my life in a very independent manner. So I don't really rely on friends or family in any real physical way. And by being in the closet, it makes the emotional attachments much weaker. With straight and gay friends, and family. By being in the closet, neither side can really see all of me. This truly showed itself on my birthday week.

I planned 3-4ish events to share with my gay friends. And the day before my birthday and on the day of, some straight friends had contacted me wondering what I was up to. And because I had planned to be at Freddie's, I couldn't exactly invite them along. Or even tell them cause, then they would want to be invited. Its interesting that my I got a lil upset about some gay "friends" not making it out, but straight friends that wanted to come out, I didn't let them. Keeping these parts of my life separated is no fun, and definitely will be changing in time. So in an attempt to create a situation where I can start to make conversation about possibly coming out to straight people... I'm attempting to not be as careful in "covering my tracks" per say at home and with my rommates and such.  On a more proactive note, however, I've begun to write a few coming out letters to roommates, family and the like. Not sure if or when I'd send them, but when the time comes, it'll be easier I guess. I may post em up here, if there is any interest.

Lastly... Feelings. For someone else. Its like I just want to be near him. Talk, laugh, chill... Like he definitely made the past month truly awesome for me. I was also posed some interesting questions and ideas. It truly made my mind wonder. And brought me to this place of hmmmm.

Birthday Week Blowouts

I had an amazing birthday week. Certain things may have not want as originally planned, can certain PEOPLE didn't show up... but they missed out. So here's a quick recap.


Sat - July 5

DC Bar hopping w/ Adam, Matt, Cait. Awesome time, and cheap drinks at Jacks.


Sun - July 6

DC chillin w/ Sean, Grant, Ian, Cole, Will. Only sucky part was the rain. Good time none the less, and was nice to not be in a drinking atmosphere.


Mon - July 7

Lucky Strike Bowling w/ Mauricio, Sam, Ian, and Freddy. Really fun and enjoyable. I got progressively worse as the night moved on. And Ian got better, as he began to drink. Hmm...


Tues - July 8

Karaoke at Dupont by myself. I tried Whitney.... BIG mistake. But I also had some interesting conversations w/ some important people in my life. Which has yet to be resolved, and its stressing the hell out of me.


Thurs - July 10

Freddies w/ Sam, Michael, Greg, Grant, Sean, a diff Justin, and Matt. Chris and Jay also stopped by. It was a really good time. And there is actual evidence of my karoake-foolishness. :(, I'm nervously, and rightfully scared, about when the footage will make its appearance. But the 2nd Annual Freddies Birthday Celebration was amazing!


Fri - July 11

Silver Spring w/ Freddie. So I woke up at 5 to make it back home, in time to go with my roommate to get an I-phone. When I gave him the giftcard, it was a priceless moment. Anywho, after being there for 3 hours he left to go to work, and dropped me off in downtown silver spring. After which I hung around till Freddy went to work. And I spent ALL afternoon (12-7) at freddy's job talking and hangin out. Especially since he was bouncing for Costa Rica, the next mornin.


Sat - July 12

Birthday Lunch w/ old school friends. And it was for this girl's birthday, not mine. It was alright.
Nationals game w/ Roger, Scott and Sam. It was really good. It was the closest I've ever sat, to the field. The new stadium was also nice, although it didn't have the best view from the inside. However, we all had fun and I walked away with an actual baseball!! (Life side-goal number 6 completed!! Next is a game show...) Afterwards, me and Sam got dinner, and hung out in Dupont for a while. And we got to witness almost a few fights. Also, a number of people from my old school, walked by like 5 feet in front of us, and it made me nervous for like 3.5. Eventually we parted ways, and I made it home by 5 am.


Sun - July 13

Barbecue/ rockband with old friends from school. Then Hellboy 2... Was it a good movie? HELL NO! I didn't enjoy it at all. It maybe only had three parts that might have pleasured me in anyway, at all.

Anyways, it was a good many days. It helped me analyze my life and the people within. And much soul searching started, and even more needs to be done. But I'm back at work now, and its supposed to be REALLY busy-ish this week. So I'll leave the next, more personal, and feel-y stuff for later. CIAO.

Bon Voyage!!

Bye Freddy!! As you may recall Freddy and Travis went off to Costa Rica for vacation for 10+-ish days. So I have this blog ALL to myself. But "with great power, comes great responsibility", so I'll try to keep it on the up and up. 

The past 15 or so days have been packed and definitely interesting in a variety of ways, mostly due to my birthday but also because of a certain someone in my life. It all has led to me brought me to a point of introspection, self-discovery, future-planning, and maybe a tipping point of change. Much more on this and birthday summaries on the way!

Stay Tuned...

Half of 100 Posts Post

Now if there isn't something cool about this i unno what is!! Justin and I have managed to create 50 posts!! That's cause for celebration mi amigos. You know what else, I'm also proud of the fact that I feel that slowly [key emphasis on slowly] but surely, our blog is evolving. I don't know if you see it but I see it.

I'm halfway through working today and then after tonight I have two days left. Saturday I hop a plane and head to Costa Rica [ ay ay ay!] and travel about there for a week. Then Sunday, if our plane makes it back on time Travis & I have that Yaz show to go to. Then I work 5 days straight for the rest of the week, get ready for school and mayhaps....move away. [Keyword there is mayhaps.] But more on that in another post. So the only thing I can see myself possibly looking forward to after my trip is hosting a lil soiree at my humble abode. My mother left on vacay on Sunday, taking my lil bro with her and leaving me with just my pops. When I return from my vacay, he'll too be gone on his vacay leaving the house empty, screaming for some attention. Travis already told me not to do anything, but I can't possibly spend the rest of July just "working". I need something to look forward to and I've just decided a small get together at my house would be the right thing.

Something else I should prolly get into again are my Vlogs. I haven't made a decent vlog in ages and I'm not too proud of the last one I posted on Youtube. BTW, is it just me or has YouTube been lacking a lot lately. I'm subscribed to at least 20 different accounts and only 3 or 4 of them are posting new videos daily. The rest just have gone m.i.a. Maybe its a summer thing.

All seems to be well in themy world for now.

Now Press Repeat

I'm excited I figured out a cheap and easy way to feature the songs I select each week. I should've thought of it before but of course, life never works out that way. Back in 2006 I was interseduced to Imeem.com when Myspace didn't have some of the songs I wanted to play on my page. So Imeem allows you to select a song and embed it onto your page...its kindah neat. And they have this cool little widget to post onto blogger as well so that's kindah cool too. So my song pick for this week (I know it's a little late...) is Lucky by Jason Mraz featuring Colbie Caillat. The song is from his new album We Sing We Dance We Steal Things. It's the perfecto pretty song and its about two people in love with each other who happen to also be each other's besties. Que Cute! Anyway, the song is to your right, hit play and ch ch checkit!!

Sharing Time

I decided yesterday to let my feelings be known to someone. If you know me, you may be surprised to know that I have those things called feelings. I'm usually never showing much emotion or any deeper part of myself. Sometimes I do in these blogs, but at those times I tend to be get very general and vague about the situation. Anyways, after much deliberation and internal resistance, I told him how I felt. Then waited for the response.
I had no idea how I wanted him to respond, truthfully. Sure there was that hope for the perfect answer and that all the next steps would just fall into place. But perfection is never attained. The answer was as good as I could have hoped for, in some ways. It was well thought out, well reasoned, and openly honest. It confirmed that he shared some of the same feelings, and also had his own resistances. The fears/reservations that I had, he also had. But it doesn't end there, also that is where it is right now.
I'm not sure how to feel at the moment. Excited and optimistic in one sense. Yet confused, nervous, and scared at the same time. I know what the "best" move is, to get what I want. But I need to make sure I do whatever, for the right reasons. Although I may just be making excuses. But, by being a closet case, this is the highway I've chosen. Will I ever get onto the exit ramp?

Struck Out

Last night was Pre-Bday Party @ Lucky Strike for Justin's 22nd. His bday is officially on Thursday, but unfortch, I've got Costa Rica to save for and I don't know if I'll be able to do both nights. Had tons of fun with Justin's friends. I was psyched i finally got to meet 'em. The rest of the week just includes a lot of working, and packing, and maybe some sleeping and blazin' in between...

I'll post more stuff later...

Let the celebrations begin!!!

I chose to do bowling because I knew it was an easy event for all the youngere people to do. I chose Monday, because it was also better for a couple younger friends. However, as Monday rolled around, none of the under 21 friends were able to make it. And a few of the 21+ people who said they could/would make it also backed out. I didn't expect a number of them to come out, but I guess a part of me really wanted it. But I realized, why be upset over what did not work out. I knew at least 2 sets of people WERE coming. So just get over it. But all in all, it was an awesome time! And surprisingly even the cost was pretty good. On to bigger and better as the week progresses. DIKs??, Nellies?, Freddies... who knows, but I'm going to enjoy it regardless.

Blogapaganda!!

Imagine if you were a 20 yr gay boy from the DC metro area. And your 21st bday was coming up and its in the summer right after Fourth of July. No doubt you would be planning a major celebration/party/night of bar hopping. Instead, my friend Brad, decided to spend his summer in Lesotho, a country in Africa, to help out the people and nurses there. He'll be there for two months, about. He truly gets my respect and admiration for doing that. Brad is a cool, down to earth, relaxed, cute, and most of all caring individual. He is also writing of blog of his experience, and you can read it here! Hope you enjoy it! And tomorrow is his birthday so I'm sure he'd appreciate random birthday comments from people!

New Years Resolutions... Revisited

And just like that... half the year is gone. As I think about the past months, I revisit the 6 personal resolutions/goals I made way back in January.

1. I will define my ethics, morals, dreams, and goals. And DO what needs to be done, to BE who I need to.
Well, I didn't proactive "define" things. So I may have slacked off a few times on this one. But as time passes, I'll do better.

2. I need to congratulate myself when credit is due, and be proud of who I am and what I have done right.
- I'm not fully sure what the "goal" was here. But I think I've been a little better at accepting myself, tho a few fears/resistances do remain.

3. I will figure out what my "type" is, and learn how to be honest about what I want and open with what may not work...
- I'm still a little unsure, but I'm definitely being able to filter things out that I do NOT want. I've gone through trial and error, so this was a good success.

4. I need to schedule priorities and tasks, and do them regardless of those circumstances.
- Well, I have been making more decisions and just going regardless of the time, money, weather, and excuses to people. So i'm closer to my goals, here as well.

5. I need to treat str8 friends the way they deserve even if I may not be able to be completely open with them.
- Considering I've barely hung out with them in the past 1.5 months... I may be slipping in this department, but in time I may regain balance.

6. I need to start to see friends for how they want to be seen.
- A hard lesson to learn. But I'm just getting the hang of it. Especially as I was trying to get people to give input for my bday. I realized I'm wanting certain people to be better friends than they really are. But I have also met some new-ish people who can show the truth about themselves.


So three I have made positive progress in, and three not so much. So as the rest of the year progresses, I've got those goals to work on.

June 08 Recap [July 08 Has Gotta Rock]

As of 12:00 AM today we entered the 7th month of the 8th year post-millennium. Am I the only one wondering where all that effin' time went? Hmm, guess not. Anyway, I wanted to recap on the journey my life took last night. I won't remember all of it but I'll be looking to my calender for reference.

Well from the looks of things I ate out multiple times and it makes sense to me know why I'm always so broke. I ate out a total [counts....].....

HOLY CHIT! OKAY SO I'M INTERRUPTING MY BLOG JUST TO SAY THAT TRAVIS JUST TOLD ME THAT HE WON TICKETS FOR YAZ. HOW FUCKING HAWT IS THAT. I'M THE ONE WHO SIGNED HIM UP ON A FLUKE BECAUSE I KNEW HE LIKED THEM AND I NEVER THOUGHT HE'D ACTUALLY WIN!! BUT HOW RAD IS IT THAT HE DID. YAZ IS ONE OF HIS FAVE BANDS FROM THE 80s SO I'M NOT SURE IF I WANNA GO...travis has killed the 80s for me. =[ NOW WE'LL RETURN TO UR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM...

...I can't figure out how many times but i'm gonna round up to like 7 or 8 times. And lets say on average I spend about $18 a meal. That's about...[uses calculator] $144!! FUCKN AY! that's a lot just on food man...and it doesn't include my lunch. that's just dinner. I spend waaay too much money on food and I need to revaluate that sitchiation.  

So I'm thinking that it has to be a sign of good things to come if on the 1st day of the month my boyfriend wins tickets for a concert I signed him up for. Plus I have Costa Rica coming up, so I'm uber psyched about that. I just gotta get this money issue regulated because I also have school to pay for. But I'm very hopeful for this month to treat me well. I'm over recapping by the way...why dwell in the past whether it was good or bad. I'm lookin toward whats ahead of me. In other news my mother is slowly but surely making changes toward our relationship and for the first time in my life I don't know how to read her. She's been very docile towards Travis and even asks about him every once. She'd like to have a sit-down talk with him and I'm not sure what it's about or what's to come after it. It could either go two ways, really really bad, or semi-bad-ish. Yeah I'm being very cynical about it. Things are lookin up...

WE NEED READERSHIP...

my question is how to get it...?

Now Press Repeat

So this song isn't on iTunes yet so you're gonna have to commit some type of illict action to get it. I'm in no way condoning illegal downloads though...[wink wink]. This week's song is called Buzzin' and it describes how I felt when I first heard it and fell in love. I think Shwayze is an up and coming rapper and if any of his other stuff is as good as this joint, I'm sure we'll be hearing a lot more about him real soon. I see this as a throwback for Summer 08 and its the perfect chillax by the cookout kindah song while u sip a Corona with a lime. Mm-Hmm!! The track was laid down by Cisco Adler (dated LC from The Hills and Mischa Barton). He's some dude who fronts some band called Whitestarr. You can see Cisco's nuts here. Shwayze and Cisco came up with this little gem. Che-Che-Check it out son!

UPDATE: I found the single on iTunes...its there.