Recap of 2008 part 2

July - Wierd, hopeful, romantic feelings was the theme for this month. I thought it was possible and reasoned that it was within my grasp. Although, every time I felt it would go somewhere, I got either a non-answer or reason to doubt. My birthday also helped make the month real well. I spent multiple opportunities with some of my best gay friends, and it was a step up from last year. Later, in the month I had another opportunity to mix certain friends and it went well. That same day, I ran into an old buddy and met his one friend and it was inspiring. He had a life that I didn't think possible for a gay, happy, committed, established, home-owning, house-renovating, city-living, mass-traveling, church-going, and diverse. I was just like WOW, and couple with the romantic feelings/ideas and dreams, I saw myself easily being on top of the world. And I started to make plans and write coming out letters.

August - A downhill slope, in terms of feelings. A random mid-week beach trip with freddy and travis, was just too much. When I got back, I approached him and was more direct, but not forceful, i stating my position. SO this led to an open sharing of feelings, and he sounded on the same page as me, and we were both aware of issues on my part that would complicate things. So things were at a standstill. Mid-month I stated things more obviously, and got an answer that drained most hope. But not all. Repeating the words over and over, some hope remained. And by the end of the month, I heard the words, ending with "NOT AT ALL", and I was crushed. Other happenings included coming out to an old friend(thru email) and it was a lil encouraging, Freddy's fun birthday, an old friend went thru something which made him realize that I was his friend(finally), a cool trip to ATL for work, and I also had a foot injury which made things slightly harder around the end of the month.

September - Word of the month... "BLAH!!" I was still trying to sort out my feelings of hurt and un-deserved-ness, looking for a reset button. I also tried to combine friends again and this time it went terribly. Partway thru the month I went home for a 4-day weekend, to try on working on some stuff. The same time I came out to an old pastor, teacher, mentor, friend (thru emails) which was draining. A book I picked up from ATL and some heart-stabbing words helped me make that decision with resolve. Much wasn't accomplished at the trip btw.

October - Moved w/ the same roommates to downtown silver spring. Went to an old friend's wedding, and got to see people. I had a gay house party and came out to both roommates, as well, that weekend. I went to a couple nights of the gay film festival, did multiple emails and calls and internet lookups for my family's situation, and ended the month conflicted about myself, friends and where my life is headed. But it ended with finally seeing Freddy at the drag race, and doing some halloween activities which helped me see a few people in a different light. My friend also had a baby, YAY!!, and we(I) got guitar hero. Oh yeah, we now have a black president.

November - More thoughts about the past and highs of July. So much so I couldn't even write. I went on a date or two, and although fruitless, they were a step in a direction. I read Twilight and New moon, which didn't help my moods to much. I also got to hang more with my oldest gay friend. It ended in a diferent thanksgiving, and seeing my mom for the last time. On my way back to DC, I told someone "next time i'm in NYC will be much better, cuz we'd both be there". I also changed all facebooks and myspaces to "Gay" or "Interested in Men". As a way, to passive-aggressively let people know.

December - Work was sorta picking up and I was debating my vacation. Had a fruitless night in DC. and was feeling sick, so I had another "off-night" with maybe my best friends, which I talked to one of them about, and felt slightly better about afterwards. Went to the doctor, had mini-surgery and got some oxycodone. Things were getting back to normal, and I was planned my day trip to NYC w/ friends, joined a book group-ish, AND finally did some volunteering. Then on the morn of Dec 12 (on my dad's bday) my bro's called me and gave me the news that my mom died. I still went with them to NYC, and told people here, and tried to pack for 3 weeks. After my friends left, I went home to start working on stuff and meet. Then it was daily new to-do lists, family-filled/overflowing days, cold nights, non-bed sleeping, breakfast after noon, friend-less days, and cold weather till christmas. Which was the same, except I gave my granny a gift. After christmas, I realized I couldn't do as much, and after seeing my dad, I came back to md with my youngers bros. I got to show em how my lifes is... ish, and did some good stuff. I also went back to work, and potentially set myself up to work from home. I went to my first rap concert and got to see some other good friends after.

I realized life goes on(with or without), that words are just words, and I need to choose to live my life. This new year, gives me a set time to make things as they should be, or at least how I want them to be. But that's for another day.