This past week(s)... pt 1

Feb 1 - 8: I see my life where it is. I know there are certain things that I want, and that their are some areas in life that I can do much self-improvement. Each day was just like the one before it. Basically an optimistic search to find comfort with where I am, and hope for where I want to be. Altho, my search didn't lead me in the most positive directions. A number of times, there was an inner struggle going on. Do I go home or stay/go out? Hang with certain friends or in a place where I had the potential to meet new ones? Do the "safe"/"familiar"/"easier" thing or do the "riskier" option with higher potential for failure, yet also higher payoff (most times)? So for that whole time, I chose the going out, friends, meeting new ones, and risky choices. I think only one day that week did I go home after work, and I still got home after around 10, cause I left work mad late that day. Anyway, that week was mixed with successes and few failures. The failures were mostly my fault tho, and showed me ways to "grow".

I think of the lyrics to that Green Day, which randomly fit perfectly right now...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

Feb 9 - 13: Monday awesome-ish and productive. I took 3 showers, played basketball during lunch, completed things at work, played racquetball after work, got some groceries on my way home from basketball, and watched the L word with random people and my roommate, yeh weird.

Tuesday had another LATE start, which culminated in my older brother calling me to mention some family business. That we were all needing to talk about, though he skirted around the gay issue, and talked mostly about him and the oldest brother and their wives(ish) and things happening with them. The conversation was very eye-opening, and because it was true... I didn't even know exactly how to feel/think about it. Later that day, my oldest bro and I had a text conversation. Instead of waiting till I went up for us to have a family meeting, he gave me the update of everything that was happening with his whole situation. I was amazingly wow'ed and didn't give much feedback, just trying to take it all in and wonder how much things will continue to change. 

I asked about his feelings about me being gay, to sorta bring balance to the conversation, and he said he was disappointed, for religious reasons, but still loves me and that it doesn't change any dynamics. I'm not sure what/if I responded at all, and it was weird him using those words, especially after what he was just talking about before. I felt like i could have turned it against him, but I don't like being that way. I'm not going to try and justify myself, by bringing him or someone else down with me. I try and decide where to set MY bar, and try to live up to it.