Sometimes you just don't know what to say...

Or at least, how to say it. In the past couple weeks, I have been in a few situations where I just couldn't find the words... This is also the reason why I haven't blogged too recently.
A few weeks ago a friend was(or started) going through something. I couldn't even believe it, and I definitely, had no idea what to say or do. So I just tried the best I could to be a friend, and "be there". I'm not fully sure on how he's doing, but I think he's alright. And I hope he knows, that I'm here, if he needs me.

More recently at Youth Pride day, one of my original biggest FEARS were realized. I hadn't remembered it since my first journeys into Dupont Circle, Apex, and the early gay days. I saw "him". One of the maybe 5 gay people, who knew of me from school, church or home. I was walking past the different booths at Pride, and he was sitting with someone else I knew from school, at a table, which I had thought to be another booth. As I passed, the last real booth, I saw them, and attempted to play it cool, and look and walk in a different direction. It was too late though, they saw me, I saw them, and I know they saw me see them. So I called Freddy for support, and he told me what I already knew. Either say Hi, or forget about it. Long story short, by the time I worked up the courage, they had already headed to leave... maybe next time.

Last week at Town, I realized that me and a new friend know a mutual acquaintance. This acquaintance, was the first gay guy I talked or chatted with, with the hope/intention of actaully meeting in person. It was May 06, he went to maryland, was 20 at the time, and seemed nice-ish from our conversations. Sometime in early fall, we almost met. He said he was going out to DC, I said I could only do apex, but him being 21 he went to cobalt. I did suggest that I could pass by, and just say hi and chat for like 5 minutes... but as usual, I put myself out there, and thats where it ends. However, later that year around November, we did meet. I was leavnig work, and he was headed into DC or a friday night. So we eventually met in Dupont Circle, and we did get to talk and walk, as he was headed into starbucks to work on homework. He was cool in person, and I headed home after about 20 minutes and left him to do his work. Over the next two months, every so often I'd contact him and attempt to be a friend, or try to make it into a friendship... but to no avail. Eventually in the new year, I decided to give up, but not before one last try. I sent one last message and no reply. So that was it. And there he was at Town, in the same group as I. What did I say to him... nothing, just chilled with the people I came there with and eventually we walked around to somewhere else.

After Town, I hopped on a bus headed for NYC for the weekend. It was good to see family and especially the little ones. Saturday was my moms birthday, My oldest bro and his wife were putting on a play they wrote, directed later that night, and mothers day was sunday, so it was a big weekend in store. Seeing my mom, had a mix of emotions; confusion, love, duty, concern, worry. She's been sick for a while(15ish years), so a lot of times, we all as a family become numb to everyday worries. For example, on Sunday(Mother's day), she fell and was taken to the hospital. As I heard the news, and said it aloud to my brothers, the attitude was more of a usual occurrence, and the focus being more on... "Are we still having a mother's day's dinner?", rather than "OMG my mom is on her way to the hospital, lets drop everything and go!!!". The previous few times I was home, my mom asked if I was still in school... even though she was at my graduation in 06. And since I've basically been away from home for the most part since I was 12, our relationship isn't too close. And even though it was both mother's day and her birthday, I didn't get her anything. Or any other "mother" anything... I just don't know what she would "want" or better yet, what she could actually use. But as the years progress, we move forward with uncertainty. And wonder who, when and how do we as a family move on in a positive direction, and from whom the leadership and responsibillty will derive.

As I continue this journey called life. I realize that challenges will always be there. I'm just hoping that the next one that comes, I'll be able to look into my sout, use what I know to be true, and to give 100% of myself to follow through with my decision.

Tribute to Mom (draft 5/13/08)

I wrote the following May 13 of this year, and never finished it... And now she's gone

Hey Mom. Its been a while since we've talked. Actually I can't even remember when we truly had a heart to heart discussion. With you being sick, and me being away at school for most, well all, of my teenage life; we just haven't had the ability and time to strengthen our relationship. Times were rough and I always tried to be the "good one" and do "whats expected" of me. And as I look back at my "successes", I realize they have produced their own obstacles and consequences, which have shown themself in my relationships.

You've been sick for 18 years, and in a wheelchair for 14, and its hard. Hard for me to know what to do, and even how to do it. In the meantime, you all have pushed me, and I've pushed myself to do those things which you all wanted me to do. As the years passed, I have changed. I've begun to look into myself and figure out who I was made to be. Yet I've also struggled with "who you all want me to be". So I've always pushed my "self" away, and our exchanges focused on the goals, and what I've been doing. But those things don't matter as much now, and they are definitely not the important things in life.

And now when, I'm realizing this... it may be too late. You're condition has gotten worse, the younger ones are in their teens, and are coming into their own. And i'm far away, trying to do the same. On your birthday, you only saw two of your sons, and it wasn't more than a few hours. On mother's day, you went to the hospital and only one of your sons, visited you. You're memory isn't as sharp as before, and your mobility is getting worse day by day.

We'll return to our presentation in just a few moments...

i've been a bit M.I.A. on my posts...busy week, busier weekend, lazy monday with gossip girl.