Change of mind

Ever go somewhere expecting one thing, or expect to say something but when you end up going through with whatever, you realized almost nothing you expected or planned to do or say was done.
This was a long week. And for the most part, I was feeling toooo well. Barack winning and wednesday night trivia were the only good highlights. The party last saturday, and the waste of a sunday left me in a somewhat socially-deprived mood. This mood continued, and I wanted someone to talk to later in the weeks, and they all seemed to be MIA. Also I chatted with this one guy, who I haven't talked to since January, when he lost interest in me. (Not that I haven't tried).

All of those occurences led me to think about the people in my life, present and past. I thought about those who didn't return my calls or texts, those who I used to talk to quite often, and those who are around me often. It left me questioning myself, those relationships with those people, and wondering where my future lies.

Yet, I kept finding myself dwelling on one person. He was the last person I was completely into, and he also had an affinity for me. But he started out as a friend, and it never got to be anything more than that. I thought of the reasons for why he didn't want to even try. Both the reasons he stated and reasons my mind hypothesized. As I saw him actually being into someone else, there was a point of inner conflict. He's my friend, and I want him to be happy. And the guy was quite a catch. So that's good. But at the same time, I saw the obvious differences between us. And its hard to fight the feeling of doubt within myself. Because I myself was (and am) "undeserving" and its an "unfair" position to put someone else in. Those words weren't stated specifically, but they were the logical foundations, based on the actual words used. As I was in this rut, there was one word, I was previously called, that brought me to tear(not tears, just one). The word.... was "helpful".

Now "helpful" isn't a bad word. And in certain situations... work, school, service, church, among people in need... the word may actually be a compliment. But when it was used, it was used as a response to words I used first. The words I used were more endowed with feelings and described their coolness as WHO that person IS(was) TO me. But that reply felt like a huge slap in the face. "Helpful" basically said, you're cool for what you DO FOR me. That still hurt the other day.

So as I was in a socially-deprived state and that friend was one of the MIA, I couldn't help but wonder if my "helpfulness" had sort of run its course. And I thought to other friendships, and wonder where else my friendship may have "run its course". I feel bad for thinking that, but Im one to analyze thoughts, such that I can overcome them.

Back to the start. This was my initial feelings around 5pm. But I started a new book, which is a book that represents the "person I want to be". So with that, I couldn't dwell on the other feelings when hanging out with people last night. And we ended up digging into a deeper personal issue within me. But that's for another time.

Choices #2

"Life is a constant series of negotiations", and I've come up with the following list: God, Family+Friends, and someone to share my life with. Being comfortable and happy, in those three areas are the main prescription for the doubts and confusions that I find myself in, I think. And my goal is that my choices will reflect those priorities. Work is important also, but that really doesn't cause any of the stress that I seem to find myself in, which is why its not on the list.

Last week Tuesday, I went to the High Heel Drag Race, which was a different kind of night. I was with 3 different people groups. And I was unsure how to balance them properly, but it went "ok". Tho certain people ended up being neglected(sorry Tim). But it was definitely good to see you Freddy, its been WAY too long. Suckiest part of the night, was that I lost my wallet. However, since then (after I cancelled my cards) the wallet turned up and I have it now.
Last Friday was halloween, and it seemed there were ample choices of things to do. And I decided to honestly apply the list to those choices. So I decided that it was a good time to try it out. A few times, in previous weeks/months past, I'd be with a group and not exactly "feel it". But I was there, and I'd rationalize my uncomfortability with the idea of being a "good friend." So I took a "personal night" to just try and recover and refocus. That night, I ended up reading an inspirational book then as I was about to go to bed. I allowed to let my roommate coax me into playing Guitar Hero. A few hours later, I read some more of the book and fell asleep. I finished the book the next day.

Saturday, because my other roommate didn't mention any real plans to celebrate his birthday, I decided to go to a disney themed halloween party in Fairfax at a friends house. I attempted to hang with friends in the in-between time, but that didn't happen(as usual). I ended up going as Dale from the Rescue Rangers, only costed $13. I mainly only knew two of the guys. As the party progressed, I realized there was alot going on in terms of the dynamics of the group. Me, being the outsider, didn't quite know what or why or between whom, but I guess its a good thing to usually be on the sidelines. One thing the party did remind me was that I'm old-ish. Almost everyone else was still in school, and a number of them were under 21. Sure me being 22 isn't old, but I'm not used to being one of the older people anywhere, neither am I used to college parties I guess. It was good tho cuz I got to see people in their native(lol) environments and there were definitely some "interesting" moments. I ended up crashing there, and headed home the next day(in spite of my attempts to hang with people who were out in that direction).

Tuesday was election day. I woke up after 7. Took two buses to go to the dentist. Then, two buses to go to vote at my old college. Then, two more buses to go to work. At work, a server went down, so we had to figure out how to backup and restore a few things, long story short... work didn't go as planned, and almost everyone wasn't even there, so it was demotivating. However, my client boss, who happens to be a lesbian, was hosting an election party at her house, starting at 7, and since it was down the road from me, I figured I'd pass by. There was also an election party being hosted at my place, but I figured it'd start late anyway. Plus, seeing a gay success story definitely helps the lack of hope I have in a "future." So after being there for most of the night, and having a couple drinks. I eventually left and during the traveling time, Barack won. I got home to a full house of old friends, and 2 random (white) neighbors. It was an awesome night. Mainly cuz "Yes We Are".

Wednesday I left work after 7, and decided to attempt trivia at Nellies. It was an attempt at recharging my "hope" in me an life. Its trivia, so I have something to do other than just drink, and it gives me a reason to jump into other groups of people. I eventually found 2 other guys and got them to join up with me and we did our best. They seemed like cool people, and they were young so that was as good as I could have hoped. I then got a ride from a somewhat neglected friend, and we got to talk and catch up on the way home.

So what does all that have to do with choices. In most of these occasions I spent a good amount of traveling time to and from by myself, and my thoughts. The question I tend to ask myself is "Why?".  Why am I going out by myself? Why are no friends responding to my invites? Why do I keep thinking about certain people? Where am I even going in life? How do I expect to get there? I usually don't have any good answers for myself, but I do try to hope and bring myself to a better point, in some way. I find myself trying to find hope and comfort with the gayaspect of my life. I hope to find a way to be open and honest with the non-gay friends and people I come across. I try to integrate my own life, and mind to be able to accept myself, and lower any residual conflicts. Yet as I do this, its hard when I look at some of the people around me. 

In both the gay and straight sets of people, there are filters. These filter are either put on by me or them, and they are the stopping points and boundaries for where friendships can go. I can't talk about certain things with straight friends, gay friends tend to be focused on other things and I may not know them well enough for us to talk about personal issues. 

So right now, I feel like I need a Reset button. Start afresh. People have shown where their friendship limits and boundaries are. I'm not one to force people into anything, so the only other option is to find new people. I basically started from scratch before, so I'm in this mindset to try again. This is why I choose to attend an election party (hosted at my house) late. Why I go out to dupont and DC by myself with no plan or goal hoping for some intangible thing.

So if we are what we choose... what exactly am I choosing? 

Choices (Pt 1 of 3...or 4)

I've been attempting to write a few different stuff for a while but never got around to completing them. In the past few minutes, I came up with the random idea of doing a theme for the next few blogs (feel free to join Freddy). This first theme has to do with "Choices". I've heard both of these phrases: "We are what we choose", and "Our choices are what define us". Everyday we make so many choices and decisions, with varying levels of consequences. I will attempt to expound upon the idea of choices in three or four ways, in the coming posts. stay tuned.

Ghandi said, "Be the change that you wish to see in the world." To that I'll add, "Voting for that change, if you're lucky enough to be able to, can also help in the matter."