Castaway

I feel like I'm Tom Hanks in Castaway. Its at the end of the movie after he delivers the package, and then he gets to the crossroads in the desert and stops. That's where the movie ends.

That's where I'm at, it feels, in my life. I've moved, I've come-out-ish. I've had some highs and lows in recent times. But what's the point. I've spent the better part of an hour just sitting here. Not wanting to go home, but having no other real alternative. I've looked at metros going in two possible directions, and I know which one I'll eventually get on. It'll be the one that will take me closer to home. Although I keep hoping that, someone will give me a reason not to. Common sense, past experience, and everything else says it won't happen. But I foolishly hope...

And it seems that is how my life is. I just keep hoping that things will change. I see a possible "future" and hope for that. But it seems that future is un-attainable for me. I want to believe, and I put myself in these situations to recharge my faith. But it seems pointless.

I see how people act and are. And try of think of why they are or do what they do, and try to learn how to add that into my decision-making. To make sure the "why"s for my actions, live up to the goals/standards of the person that I want to be.
Seems like I just have these unrealistic ideals for how I want my life to be. And it just doesn't work out. I live within that area, and use all that I have to fight the urge to lower myself. But there's a reason why people settle. Maybe I'm actually putting myself in an impossible situation. Where I want to have my cake and eat it to.... I guess I need to figure out what I want most, and learn to give up or settle on everything else...