Cancer horoscope description... thoughts??

Crabs live in the inter-tidal zone of the oceans, where tides rise and fall twice every day. This is the most dynamic and changeful place on earth, but also the most nutrient rich. Because of the constant change, Cancer have developed a hard outer shell for protection. Cancer can use the hard outer shell of your home as your protection. But it's more than just that. Typically, your sensitive Cancer can hold your feelings quietly behind your own walls.

Crabs also have large pinching claws, and Cancer can hold onto things, especially from the past. Cancer are fiercely loyal and have a difficult time letting go. But Cancer are also quick to bring those you love inside the safety of your outer shell while you nurture them. Cancer love is protective, but unless tempered, can be smothering.

Cancer motto could be, "A good defense is the best offense." Like a Crab in its cave, your attack can consist of baiting your opponent into your territory. What appears to be a retreat to others can be your best aggressive tactic. As you feel your way through life, building your security by developing your home and family relationships, remember that unexpressed anger can turn into resentment and depression, so find someone you can trust and share your feelings.

Cancer Greatest Strength: Your ability to nurture others

Cancer Possible Weakness: Fear of the past repeating in the future

Integration

(Gay + Work + Home + College + Church  ) * Friends + Brother = Dave and Busters, Saturday, 9:30 pm

July!

June just flew by, yet was pretty good. I went to NYC three weeks in a row, for family and fun. I got to see a number of friends and acquaintances, and even made a new one or two. Next up... July.

First, this weekend is a holiday(monday) weekend. Which means many opportunities to hang out with friends and enjoy life.

Second, my younger brother(17) will be coming down next week to stay with me, for a few weeks until he starts college. This will be very different and interesting. I'll have to figure out how to be a locally available, full-time, older brother. Will talk more about that later.

Third, next weekend includes my birthday, among a few other friends. So finding the balance of what I want to do, and who else is already planning/doing other stuff will be a chore. And the fact that my brother is here, will just be one long puzzle. So we'll see how it all fits together.

Fourth, this class has a few bigger things due in the upcoming weeks, so I should ensure that enough time/effort is invested into that direction.

Fifth, two weekends away there is a beach trip planned. Haven't been to the beach yet this summer, so I'm looking forward to that.

Sixth, the racquetball league is officially starting, and theres 20+ people signed up. I'll be getting my own ID to get into the gym instead of relying on other people's guest passes. Which also means I can play at more random times.

Seventh, three weekends away includes two friends birthdays and they'll probably be doing something, so that is another thing for the calendar.

Eighth, my uncle's, who lives in Ohio, church has a men's retreat and he wants me and my brothers to come. So that's another weekend down, travel and family time.

Wow, when I look at it like that it seems like even more. But this is what summer is all about, enjoying life, birthdays-especially my own, and everything else. With proper planning, sleep, and better productive use of time... I just might able to make it through!

Communication

Its the food, water, driving force of all relationships. Without it, relationships die. Sometimes when taken the wrong way things suffer. In one of my previous posts, I mentioned the fact that we take after our parents in ways we may not even realize. So as I look at my life in its current state, and the people around this is an ever-present very consistent aspect. I looked at my relationship with my dad, and it doesn't really exist. We don't talk really. Not for any real reason either. We just never did, and we both continue along that path. With my mom, it was similar situation, and near the end her memories were fading so it was even more complicated. So that leaves my brothers and grandmother as close family. I look at how I relate with them and its similar to that of my parents. I share what is going on in my life, on paper: Work, school, new purchases, failed road tests. But not much more. These blogs, which family never see, can get pretty personal and I touch on things that I almost never bring up in person/conversation. These blogs are my way to counter the usual potentially non-deep conversations. But things are gonna change soon, and I guess that change will start within.

#part1 #tobecontinued

Pride weekend

Most of this weekend doesn't mean much. The things, in my opinion that have more substance and meaning happen during the week. Although, I'm sure some of the festival booths probably had meaningful ideas behind them. I did check out Latino pride Friday night and it was pretty good, even though it started late.
What this weekend means for me, is an excuse to see and hang out with all gay-friendly friends. The parade or festival give people a common place to go to and the power of luck, fate and SMS give you the chance to see them. What pride means for me is to bring people together to celebrate, better yet affirm, who we are. And to spend good times with good friends. That goal was met with relative success, I tried to bring people together, and told people where we were gonna be, or at. And some came, some didn't. Their loss. I think back to previous prides and all the running around I did. And I almost did that again, but realized its not always my responsibility. Afterwards, we eventually got to the BYT closing which was amazingly big, but I was not really into it. Cool for what it was, but definitely not my style-ish. Like I could have made it worth it, but other stuff on my mind(to be mentioned later) were distracting, and I wasn't up for the proactivity. I even did the unthinkable . . . I put my camera in the car. A few drinks later, running into a couple random acquaintances, losing the group, phone dying, walking back to V's car only to realize it was gone, then walking to Tim's place in Adam's Morgan, callin Freddy/Vernon cuz my wallet & camera was in the car, then eating grapes and fallin asleep awkwardly on the love seat in preparation for Sundays trip to NYC...

Funeral Thoughts

Wow, a funeral seems to be the only way to catch up with certain family these days. It is also the only time I wear my black suit.

 

Being there and actually hearing about my grandfather's life was interesting. I learned he was fully dominican, and that he played the harmonica. Sitting there I looked across at my own dad, and began to see parralels, and somewhat greater insight into their lives and somewhat my own. They were both into realty as a career and enjoyed going out see movies. There were also interesting stuff about his love of music, soft-spokenness and his parenting style.

 

Hearing everything truly made me think more about my dad. I've talked more to my dad in the past year, than most of life put together. And 99% of what we talked about was me giving him help with math problems for his step-daughter. But hearing my aunts talk about him, thinking of past experiences with him, and thinking of past experiences with my own father, it really showed how traits/characteristics can be passed down from one generation to the next. This goes for both the good and bad qualities in people.  

 

In thinking about the entire weekend, my life, friends' lives and people situations I wonder how much of our personalities are results of our parents. What things good AND bad, have we picked up and held on to?  Can/will we look into ourselves and see where the potential negative aspects are coming from and actually try to mitigate, or at least understand) their effects in our lives?

 

#tobecontinued...

June

Just when I thought this month would be long, it got even longer. And not completely in a good way.

First of all, my class requires more than I anticipated. The book is 3 times bigger than the previous text, and the slides are twice as many. So this makes it harder to read on the metro and be portable. Also, if I carry my camera... its only gonna be worse.

Second, it seems that next week, I'll be going to NYC for my grandfather's funeral. We definitely were not close to him really, and even though he lived in NYC, I haven't seen or talked to him in at least 8 years. So I'll be up there Sunday for that. Which definitely complicates weekend plans-ish, and work Monday. Part of me is thinking about taking the whole week off, since I'm about to go right back anyway. But vacation days must be used wisely.

Third, after months of my brother telling me his graduation is on the 21... he tells me the other day that it is the 20th. Which means no Detriot. I was amazingly looking forward to both visiting somewhere new and enjoying sharing in the experience of a wedding between cool friends. It was going to kick off the start of my travels, but instead I'll be in NYC sharing in another life experience with family.

Fourth, all 3 of my one brother's kids have birthdays within a few weeks. and the oldest is graduating kindergarten the following Friday, and they may do some big birthday celebration thing that last weekend of June. In addition, some other random friends may be in NYC that weekend... so I have valid reasons for going to NYC three weeks in a row. (Thinking about ti more, the week after that would be July 4, and NYC is not a bad place to be then. In thinking about it more, the week after is my birthday, and again NYC can be a good place to be. So I could easily go to NYC 5 weeks in a row. But I'm not, though 3 weeks seems highly likely.)

June is a pretty good month in general, and adding in these occasions, a new camera, renewed raquetball potential, and all the festivities and opportunities for fun just sets a high bar for what can happen. Yet at the same time, this class (and textbook, literally) is def holding me down. Lets see how I manage.

Consistency pt 3

Flashback to the memorial service for my friend who passed away. After the service was over everyone was together and catching up with old friends. Hearing his friends and family talk about his life. And the common theme was, that his life was set at such a high level in every aspect that you couldn't help but evaluate your own life. I thought of my friendships and family relationships... and question their depth. That night, a friend came up and was I love you man. I know we ain't the tighest of friends, but its not like out friendship is shallow either". It truly made me think. Earlier, I ran into my old roommate from college, who lives 20 minutes away... yet I haven't seen him months.

Fast forward a couple weeks, a friend said "Justin you have too many cliques, you need to get rid of some." There was a point to those words. It seems that I am always trying to fit the puzzle pieces into a cohesive weekend. Sometimes things work out(through LUCK, metro/walking, major planning), sometimes I get the best of myself and just give into the first or most "pressing" thing (Birthdays, going-away parties, weddings, family stuff). So I have to find the best way to be consistent+ with my friendships and relationships and commitments. I added the "+" to signify that friendships should get "deeper" or at least, I should be more proactive/sharing/open/"in the moment".


This upcoming weekend seems like one of those. Graduation at my old school, and the last few people there are graduating so that is Saturday and Sunday. Hopefully I can also get a needed haircut tonight, which will take time. Saturday night there are couple ideas of things I want to do or go, the weather should be awesome and I'm getting more addicted to taking pictures. Its also the DC 48 hour film festival, now I;m a little glad I missed that deadline, although doing that would have been an awesome experience. Just looking into the next few days, there are a number of things going on and different people and groups of friends that I have commitments toward, but I believe! It may not be easy, but I'm gonna ensure that it is fun and am sure that there will be a number of pictures capturing some great memories. TGIF!!!

"Delayed Gratification" or something else...

I've always been good at that. But how useful is that skill? Growing up in a big family, where money was tight it was easy to learn. It doesn't matter what you wanted, let's work on what is needed. Having an older brother meant hand-me downs, and/or sharing of clothes, video games, well everything was shared. So it wasn't till after college, when I could actually afford to start getting things for myself.

However, the previous 20 years of life and delayed gratification never wore off. I think i'd probably make 3-4 indulgent purchasesa year. XBox, clothes, Mac, TV, cameras. Apart from that I haven't really spent much buying things. However, its not like I've been saving money, time or any other REAL benefit.

One of my goals this year, has been to invest more in my self. I already started investing in my own career, through signing up at UMUC. and now, I finally bought a camera. A real camera. Last year, I took over 5800 pictures. Looking back, I haven't gained anything by not having this camera last year. But that's past now, and this will be a fun, new good investment into an interest I already have!

Delayed gratification makes sense as a concept, when the time is used to make the end goal better. Waiting to buy a house or car, because you're not financially stable enough to afford what you want, where you want it. Waiting for second generation tehcnology, because it'll only be better and that will save money. Not buying clothes, until losing 10 lbs. Researching the hot new item, to ensure you truly need and want to use it. Marrying the right person, and not the one right there. All of those are smart applications of delayed gratification. But I guess if nothing is really achieved or no true benefit is ever gained... "delayed gratification" is nothing more than a subtle form of "procrastination".

We're Moving...I Think

So...I never blog on here anymore. Maybe its cuz of Blogger/Blogspot/(What are you being called these days?) has a less appealing aesthetic than say oh I dunno the next big thing that is TUMBLR.

so once I get the final "yes" from Justin, I say lets ditch this bitch and move on to greener pastures.

the name will still be the same:

imoveryourface.tumblr.com

and you can also follow me at:

emshadow04.tumblr.com
twitter.com/emshadow04

or both.

Consistency pt 2

In continuing with this month's goal of being more consistent in everything I do, I wanna start to work out more productively. Usually I just go to the gym without a plan and do some of these previously mentioned workouts. But now I'm going to try and do this work out regimen from now till Memorial day. We'll see how this goes.

In other news, I recently learned about the Capital Splats a local GLBT Racquetball group. I also learned that the DC JCC has racquetball courts as well. I miss playing racquetball and want to get back into it, however I would NEED a gym membership. Currently I have 3 options all with pros and cons.

Option 1: UMD Gym
Cost: $675/year (%56.35/month) $9 per session if i play twice a week
Location: College Park.
Transportation: I can take the Bus from Silver spring there, and can leave campus no later than 9:30 on a weeknight. Or take the shuttle to college park metro.
Size: They have 5-6 courts, and one is a challenge court.
Other: College campus, may have more people to play in my age range. Close to work.

Option 2: DC JCC
Cost: $115(first 5 months) + $530(rest of year) + $100(intro fee) + $25(deposit) = $66/ month $8 per session(8) $11/per session(6)
Location: Dupontish 16 & Q
Transportation: Metro and 16th st bus
Size: 2 courts
Other: The racquetball groups sometimes plays there. Good location adds flexibility for walking around DC and planning. JCC members also have random discounts to certain things in DC.

Option 3: DC YMCA
Cost $75 + $73/month = $80/month $10/per session(8) $13/per session(6)
Location: 17 & Rhode Island
Transportation: Metro and 16th st bus
Size: 6 courts
Other: als has a rock climbing wall. You get 6 free guest passes and once a month they have an open house where you can bring in an outsider without either. I went here a few times before to play racqetball, and they had a good locker room, complete with fresh towels. this would make they gym a good option for times in DC, and even help with summer days when I'd be walking around the city and too lazy to go home before getting into night plans...

Looking at these option as a $7-13 per racquetball session, isn't too bad. Less than the price of some movies, or 3 drinks.

Consistency pt 1

At Nates funeral services and stuff, a number of different people talked and shared stories/experiences/memories of Nate. It was so interesting that it like a skipping record. Everyone said basically the same things he did everything 100%, setting the highest standards for himself, always wanted to better, he likes planes so he got his pilots license and flew them, liked motorcycles drove them and just bought a harley, meticulous and professional with his presentation even made comments to his bosses when they weren't up to par... then people would mention how he was just an inspiration for them to be better, he set a good example and had high standards, and those forced people to look within and push themselves.

I looked into my own life and doings, and I wonder what could be said of me. Am I truly consistent? Would the VA gays, MD gays, co-workers, old school friends, family and others all see me in the same way? I don't think so. Seems I can be very "situational". Certain times I'll be one way, and not at other times. I'm not really sure as the exact conditions that make me more/less shy or comfortable or whatever, but I am going to try and notice. More importantly, I'm going to try and be consistent in social situations and in other areas of life.

Consistency, is my goal for the month and I'll talk more about that later...

Sober

The month(March) started on a Monday. That day I realized I didn't finish ALL the homework that was due the night before. The day before(Sunday) was spent recovering from the night b4 and hanging with good friends. It wasn't a bad day, but I was not being fully responsible.

In the morning I was reading the SS lesson and the topic was on temperance and self-control. Later, at work while I was trying to finish the late assignments, the thoughts of being more responsible came along. And this random idea of not drinking each week, until I finished all homework. popped up. And then another idea of not drinking for the entire month, somehow I saw this as a minor step in increasing will power.

So I started March 1. Of course, I was successful. It lasted until April 3 after sunset. In thinking about it, it wasn't really a challenge.There were some moments of "temptation", having best team name(free bucket of beers), winning twice at trivia ($50 off bar tab total), Cobalt 3 times(with $1 drinks AND they had pink grapefruit juice one night), there was even booze available when I was in NYC, and other opportunities... but it was mostly easy to abstain.

It was definitely interesting to see/do things sober, and I got to be DD and get practice multiple times. However, looking back, I realize that I didn't really benefit from it. I didn't particularly save any money, I still spent a lot of time out and about, and I didn't even get more sleep. So this next month, I'm gonna look for real tests of growth/willpower. Stay tuned...

I thought I didn't have that good of a day/week. So many coulds and shoulds that never came to be. I look at the not so bad moments and dwell on them, for some reason. But then I hear some news, and it tilts my world off-axis. I see a different perspective and nothing is the same. The things I did do, stand out. The people and friendships around me, come to the forefront. Its not about what can be, it is about what is.

For just a few seconds, minutes, days, weeks... I can't help but be humbled and grateful. What do I have that I truly deserve? What makes me any different from him? What if it was me instead? What if I or any of us knew this could happen? and how would that have changed our day or week?

Today WE lost a good person. Someone who accomplished more than I could even dream of. Most of you don't know him, but we all share the loss at a time like this. I pray for the Anderson family. And for the extended family... I know so many people were tired a few hours ago, but now can't even sleep. This was a huge loss, but at least most of us have that hope, that one day we will meet again. Its much easier to say than do, though. But may we live each day, as if it is our last. May we cherish the friendships and people around us and truly be grateful for each step in this journey called life.

RIP #nathananderson

Spring is Here. Life is Blooming.

This was in a fortune cookie I just ate, and I couldn't agree more. Spring is finally HERE!!! and I've definitely been living it up. Every day from Wednesday thru Sunday, I've been making it an extra point to enjoy the weather. Its been awesome, I've gotten to take lots of pictures and its hopefully a sign of greater things to come. Even though today was rainy, I'm a little glad for it. It helped convince me to just come home after work, and reminded to focus on schoolwork... which was unsuccessful. But I started something, and hopefully I can finish this week's assignments in time for trivia on wednesday. This will hopefully give me more time to just enjoy life and everything that makes it worth it!

Yay for Spring!!

Videos from the HRC / Kathy Griffin Rally / Dan Choi Protest

Sacrifice

Sacrifice: “to surrender or give up, or permit injury or disadvantage to, for the sake of something else.”

It reminds me of the saying “you can’t have your cake, and eat it too,” or more truly: “you can’t eat your cake, and still have it.” In life we all have to make decisions, and each “yes” is also a “no” to something else. This year I have made a couple choices/decisions that have forced me to make different levels of sacrifice.

Due to the cold weather and snow, I needed a distraction from being trapped at home. So in January I invested in a new game “Call of Duty” and renewing my interest in playing Scrabble on facebook. These two things took a large percentage of my usual free time at home. Events, messages, posts, and even people attempting to chat on facebook went unnoticed and out of the loop I fell. Add to that my recurring T-Mobile phone issues, and my communication ability just gets worse. But the distraction didn’t make this that much of an issue.

The second and most “valid” and understandable choice, was starting classes at UMUC. I originally enrolled in the plan to obtain a graduate certificate, which can lead to a graduate degree… if I so choose. The first classes started at the end of January and its taken over a month for me to adjust. It’s an investment/sacrifice of time, thought, energy and money. So it should result in me taking money and time away from other things. Last week, was the first time in which I truly did this. Sunday midnights are the due date for my main class assignments. That last weekend, people had stuff going on… and I allowed that to come first. I also thought I could finish everything on Sunday. Saturday went long and the after effects continued, but after much procrastination I eventually got the assignment done, and was glad I made it work. However, it wasn’t until the next day that I realized I forgot a secondary assignment, and a project for the other class that were due the same time. Oops. So last week, I didn’t watch any TV and spent most of the time reading and doing HW so that I could have time for social activities, later on. It seems that the class will also get worse, before getting better. So we’ll see.


I’ve been attempting to write this blog for a month-ish, and last week it got erased so I just stopped. But a few weekends ago there were a number of planned social activities. 2 Birthdays, a potluck and Rick’s going away party also a couple assignments were due. In my mind, there was little way I could do all and I thought I had to sacrifice some. However, I randomly was able to make most of them and complete my stuff in time. It wasn’t easy, but thanks to public transportation, and less sleep, I managed. But that isn’t sustainable, and I’m going to start making REAL sacrifices and some tough decisions, not because I want to, but because I need to.

pissed

after months of silence, I finally had a blog post that was more than two weeks in the making. I just spent the last 35 or so minutes finishing it up, and somehow in 5 seconds of ... confusion/bad luck/ cut&paste + autosave... it all got deleted/saved therefore completely lost.

The reasons for originally posting still exist, but all drive/motivation for re-typing it has been mostly drained. Not to mention, I have so much other crap that should have already been done, and that last 40 minutes should have been spent on those.

crap

New Years Resolutions

Looking back at my2009 resolutions I did pretty well, it seems. Although, the only goal that was easily measureable, I completely failed. But it just means I have already have a number one goal for my list.

1. Become a licensed driver.

2. Be more discriminating with taking and posting pictures.

3. Invest in myself more in terms of money and time and effort.

4. Make a difference, at least once every 2 weeks.

5. Travel to 3-4 US Cities I have yet to visit. Possible cities: Chicago, San Fran, Miami, LA, Boston(??), Las Vegas...

6. Become a better friend, and learn how to be more dynamic in communicating with people, since everyone is different.

7. Learn to let go easier.

I'm not sure if that is a lot, but you gotta set the bar high, right?

Happy New Year!!

Goodbye 2009. Welcome 2010!! Yesterday was a very amazingly different New Years Eve. I got to spend it with a some good friends, and even some new ones.

Today I was going through my pictures from 2009, and all I can say is "Wow". I took SO very many pictures, like way to much. But I still feel like most of those pictures were worth it. I deleted most of the bad ones, and looking back I can see 5900 moments in time from 2009. I see all the different places, with different friends or family or even if I was by myself, and its not that bad for a year.

2009 brought a lot of other un-measureable things. Some friends grew closer, some went the other direction. I have grown, somewhat, in terms of family relationships. I've also done a lot of personal development. I've grown as a person and learned more about my own life.

I'm glad I made it through 2009, and I"m definitely looking forward to 2010 and all the "life" that it has to offer.

PS - I used the "my year in photos" app to get this
picture, and its amazing!