Unfinished Tribute to mom... written 5/13

I wrote the following May 13 of this year, and never finished it... And now she's gone

Hey Mom. Its been a while since we've talked. Actually I can't even remember when we truly had a heart to heart discussion. With you being sick, and me being away at school for most, well all, of my teenage life; we just haven't had the ability and time to strengthen our relationship. Times were rough and I always tried to be the "good one" and do "whats expected" of me. And as I look back at my "successes", I realize they have produced their own obstacles and consequences, which have shown themself in my relationships.

You've been sick for 18 years, and in a wheelchair for 14, and its hard. Hard for me to know what to do, and even how to do it. In the meantime, you all have pushed me, and I've pushed myself to do those things which you all wanted me to do. As the years passed, I have changed. I've begun to look into myself and figure out who I was made to be. Yet I've also struggled with "who you all want me to be". So I've always pushed my "self" away, and our exchanges focused on the goals, and what I've been doing. But those things don't matter as much now, and they are definitely not the important things in life.

And now when, I'm realizing this... it may be too late. You're condition has gotten worse, the younger ones are in their teens, and are coming into their own. And i'm far away, trying to do the same. On your birthday, you only saw two of your sons, and it wasn't more than a few hours. On mother's day, you went to the hospital and only one of your sons, visited you. You're memory isn't as sharp as before, and your mobility is getting worse day by day.