Last Saturday, I was in nyc still. A friend of mine from down here was up there having something at her home church in Harlem, and invited a number of people. I went to support. I also went because it was the first thing I did in NYC with friends and NOT family for almost the entire time I was up there. It was def good to see old friends and I even sent some stuff back with my roommates so I wouldn't have to carry it on the greyhound. But there was on random person there. The main girls cousin. Last May, her and her cousin stayed at our apt for a couple days. And sadly, her cousin was interested in me. Although I didn't care for her, I was nice and cordial and sorta thought whether I could/should try to see if I could actually feel anything for a g...g...girl. The first night she slept in my bed, I think I was IM'ing gay friends on my phone. The second night, I wsa somewhat nicer and I guess I sorta cuddled with her. It was more of a forcing myself to try. I think her cousin gave her my #, but she didn't ahve a cell so she soon could no longer contact me. She also went through random things in baltimore so I hadn't seen her since. SO Last saturday, she was all nice and stuff. And I definitely wasn't as courteous as I should have been. So that was a weird flashback to the changes that had occurred in my life.
Sunday we took our youngest brother back to his boarding academy near syracuse. We left late as usual, and was in a minivan with our grandmother for the better part of 14 hours. It was interesting and wasn't as bad as it could have been. Monday, more stuff from the to do list, and I was able to help my younger get much needed stuff, since he gets lost in the mix, and may get neglected at times. Then we met with a realtor to possibly make steps to buy a house... in me and my sister-in-law's name. Tuesday, we didn't accomplish much, cuz the older brother didn't sleep(since he works at night) and then when we attempted to get stuff done, our uncle was having an emergency so that afternoon was spent in the hospitall emergency waiting room. Wednesday, we did get to talk with the insurance people, and after a faith-filled runa dn attempt to catch my bus, I made it. I was late, and had to flag the bus down half a block away... but I got on and made it back to DC in time for Nellie's trivia with a couple friends. (not the usual trivialites, real friends, Sean and Ian).
Afterwards when we were talking, Ian said a few not-so-random things about other people, and it was a mirror to my own life. I guess I'm not the only one who feels and acts in a certain way, but I wonder if I will be able to overcome those types of issues. Thursday was awesome. I went back to work and was just accomplishing things left and right, and was feeling motivated to do much. After work, I was able to volunteer again with Food and Friends thru BCV. Then I came home, and in between cleaning my room, doing laundry, the trash and the dishes, (its amazing how the dishes and trash and kitchen were completely unkempt since I was not around... :-/), I was able to also workout. Crossing items off the mental to-do list was awesome. Then as I was winding down... I got the facebook message from my sister-in-law, which was a "Facebook says you like MEN... what does that mean??". So before bed I attempted to respond as best as I could. And I have yet to get a response.
This brings us to Friday. I got to work on time-ish 9:00, and I got to play basketball again. I sucked it up, not running for a month def took away my speed and hustle. I was able to accomplish even more at work, and I'm definitely on pace to complete my deadline, even with the holiday and nyc detour for the past 4 weeks. After work, I came home, cleaned some more and then napped. it being friday, and my SDA-ness I wasn't going to go OUT. Yet fridays' are also high time to get haircuts from our friend with barber shop skills. So as we waited for him to get off work, I decided to hit up a friend. This friend has been like a little brother to my oldest brother. Everytime I've been nyc, it seems, he has always been hanging around. So our family seemed to be the brother's he never had. I randomly hit him up on AIM, and long story short... I allowed him to "come out" to me. So we IM'ed for most of the night and we were both able to share our thoughts and stories. Its sorta wierd, cuz I feel this need to be like a "role model" and I tried to make things as nice and understanding as possible. So this was an interesting first full week of the new year. Seems things are moving... not sure where to, but we'll see.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Not-So-Random Feelings #2(Spiritual Life)
Last year, I read "The Power of Now" and part of "A New Earth". They were to New-Age religious, well "spiritual" books talking about be the real You and living life to the fullest and truest. They weren't anti-christian, yet their universalistic openness, can be seen as anti-christian by most traditional christians themselves. Anyways, these books had some deep truths and perspectives on situations which I was able to learn from. Although I may have not continuously put them into practice. I also read "Stranger at the Gate". "Christianity and Homosexuality" and "My Son, Beloved Stranger". These books dealt with being gay and christian. Since much of the anti-gay criticisms come from christians, these books helped show different perspectives on the issues, and/or encourage conversation about the topic, in a thoughtful manner. I also read 3-4 other religious type and personal spiritual development books.
I'm a Seventh-Day Adventist(SDA) christian, and according to a number of people(and myself), I'm mostly serious about it. The biggest difference about SDA from other christians is that we keep the Sabbath similar to Jews, and we also refrain from eating "unclean" foods(Pork, shrimp, lobster, etc..) also similar to the Jews. The SDA headquarters are located in MD, and they have
a big network of churches, schools, boarding academies, colleges, bookstores and hospitals. I've attended their churches regularly(3-5 times/month) for my entire life, Ever since I was in 1st grade, I attended their schools. 98% of my school, old, and college friends are SDA, outside of my gay friends.
The gay world is scary and very contradictory to this background. Not saying that I have never seen any gay's before, but it was not something supported or truly discussed in an open forum. So most SDAs have high un-comfortability levels. So instead of me doing what certain others have done, I chose to find a way to integrate my life, instead of turning my back on where I come from. Looking back, I haven't particularly done a good job. Reading those books and thinking about myself, I know I've made mistakes. I see the person I was in late 06, and I realize a number of compromises I've made since then. As I think, about some of the near future conversations I will have with people, I feel like I should have done better. I knew that certain people should have been avoided, certain nights I should have stayed home, and certain things should have never gone in my mouth (referring to alcohol...mostly). Yet those books also gave me the hope and courage that I CAN live with integrity and honesty and being spiritually happy OUT of the closet.
But now it is 2009. This boundary in time, also represents my own personal crossroads in my spiritual journey. I have made progress trying to consolidate my beliefs with my behavior and integrating my past with my present. As I move into the future, I will compromise less and truly BELIEVE more! This year I'll be a real-er, true-r Justin, and even if I still fail in some areas... at least I'll know I succeeded in being me. God loves me and you too. LOL. Just like my professional life, my spiritual life isn't where I wanted it to be, but its being worked on. So 2009, bring it!! I can do ALL things....
I'm a Seventh-Day Adventist(SDA) christian, and according to a number of people(and myself), I'm mostly serious about it. The biggest difference about SDA from other christians is that we keep the Sabbath similar to Jews, and we also refrain from eating "unclean" foods(Pork, shrimp, lobster, etc..) also similar to the Jews. The SDA headquarters are located in MD, and they have
a big network of churches, schools, boarding academies, colleges, bookstores and hospitals. I've attended their churches regularly(3-5 times/month) for my entire life, Ever since I was in 1st grade, I attended their schools. 98% of my school, old, and college friends are SDA, outside of my gay friends.
The gay world is scary and very contradictory to this background. Not saying that I have never seen any gay's before, but it was not something supported or truly discussed in an open forum. So most SDAs have high un-comfortability levels. So instead of me doing what certain others have done, I chose to find a way to integrate my life, instead of turning my back on where I come from. Looking back, I haven't particularly done a good job. Reading those books and thinking about myself, I know I've made mistakes. I see the person I was in late 06, and I realize a number of compromises I've made since then. As I think, about some of the near future conversations I will have with people, I feel like I should have done better. I knew that certain people should have been avoided, certain nights I should have stayed home, and certain things should have never gone in my mouth (referring to alcohol...mostly). Yet those books also gave me the hope and courage that I CAN live with integrity and honesty and being spiritually happy OUT of the closet.
But now it is 2009. This boundary in time, also represents my own personal crossroads in my spiritual journey. I have made progress trying to consolidate my beliefs with my behavior and integrating my past with my present. As I move into the future, I will compromise less and truly BELIEVE more! This year I'll be a real-er, true-r Justin, and even if I still fail in some areas... at least I'll know I succeeded in being me. God loves me and you too. LOL. Just like my professional life, my spiritual life isn't where I wanted it to be, but its being worked on. So 2009, bring it!! I can do ALL things....
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Two Thousand & Nin...who cares!
Another year gone by, another year of life lived. Whether I accomplished anything at all in 2008 is yet to be concluded, as I feel I'll realize the answer once more time has passed. I can say that I finally grew up...a little.
I'd like to sweat off of Justin's style and recap my year month by month, but unfortch I don't have the memory to do so. I will however, highlight what I do remember, which is probably the most important things anyway.
-Last year's NYE was good. Not excellent but the mission was to get wasted before ,[I paused here to answer a phone call, re-read the line and realized how shallow and immature that line sounds], ...midnight and mission accomplished. I went to a party in college park, ended up spending the night in a hotel room with a random dude, of course, my friends were there and he was straight, and had to have my mother pick me up in the morning.
-I had a couple of lame dates between January & March, but sometime mid-March I started dating Vinny officially. I really wasn't into Emo-wannabes but he had the prettiest blue eyes I had ever seen. I remember our first date and how he wore shorts while it was still cold outside. Turns out Vinny was a prude [no hard feelings there] and I was "moving too fast" so he broke up with me. Dude was cute, and I just wanted a lil piece of him!! Blame a guy for trying. Of course the break up was lame and over the internet which is why I think he's lame.
-I got closer to a couple co-workers from Marimekko. In doing so, i may have turned a confused 17 year old boy gay by introducing him to one of my predatory friends and had that same friend turn his charm on to one of my straight girl friends. Awkward. It made for good work-gossip though. Some friends came back from college in the summer and eventually the whole staff changed. Some people were fired wrongfully. I was promoted to Inventory Specialist which I figured was a made up position to keep me busy but I was getting paid more so no complaints there.
-I started smoking up a lot more, and it got to the point where I started going to work blazed. I was able to function normally and it made working at the dreadful place that much more bearable. No one ever noticed, so I kept doing it. This fed my addiction to Potbelly.
-In April, right around the time that Vinny broke up with me, I met Travis. Went on a couple dates, and after a trip to a bed and breakfast in bumpkin town...we started officially dating. Turns out he's one of the greatest things that's ever happened to me.
-Summer rolled around, and for some reason I expected summer 08 to be on par with summer 07. It wasn't. I rarely saw my buddies because of this or that reasons and the girl I share my bday had other plans. Travis threw a bangin' party for some friends at his place and the turn out was good. Traveled to Costa Rica for the first time and managed to get my foot lacereated by pointy rocks in the ocean. At the end of August, I quit working at Marimekko in hopes to work for a school in Howard County, moved in with Travis and began attending HCC.
-With the move, came a new phase of the relationship between my mother and I. My father unofficially said goodbye to me by not talking to me for months, leaving my mother to become the go-between. I had no idea how to approach my mother now that I was "the gay son who moved out to live with boyfriend". We were walking on eggshells around each other until Thanksgiving the official blowout happened when she said I could come but Travis wasn't welcomed. It ended up becoming an ugly situation between all parties involved.
-Halloween time I was reunited with 4 friends for a fraction of a second...ended up taking care of one them most of the night and the fact that billions of people were in Dupont Circle at the same time didn't make the situation any easier. Another friend lost his cell phone which meant we were incommunicado for several weeks. Also in October, after weeks of non-working and having drained the last bit of my savings, I was able to score a job at Grassroots Crisis Intervention. Good job, eh...pay. Later that "eh...pay" turned into better pay.
-November.....what can I say about November?!?? Other than November gave us a black president, a Thanksgiving that I would've preferred to have been drunk or stoned for, and Travis & I had to really examine the validity of our relationship for the first time. From that experience, I can honestly say I shed the immature, selfish, penis-driven former self and realized the harm I had caused without any regard to the other person. For Travis, I am thankful.
-After Fucksgiving, the whole holiday spiel began on tv, blogs, radio, everything. I almost threw up and I was over the holidays before it began.
-Then NYE happened again and I was glad to have been with my blogging buddy and boyfriend. Living in the suburbs has made it really difficult to keep on the lives of my friends who all live near the city. A chance of moving even farther would make our seperation even greater, but then I look back and remember that a lot of times, if I don't make the effort we'll never get in touch. I've been semi-depressed because of my fair-weather friendships and I ponder the validity that I once held on to so strongly.
I'd like to sweat off of Justin's style and recap my year month by month, but unfortch I don't have the memory to do so. I will however, highlight what I do remember, which is probably the most important things anyway.
-Last year's NYE was good. Not excellent but the mission was to get wasted before ,[I paused here to answer a phone call, re-read the line and realized how shallow and immature that line sounds], ...midnight and mission accomplished. I went to a party in college park, ended up spending the night in a hotel room with a random dude, of course, my friends were there and he was straight, and had to have my mother pick me up in the morning.
-I had a couple of lame dates between January & March, but sometime mid-March I started dating Vinny officially. I really wasn't into Emo-wannabes but he had the prettiest blue eyes I had ever seen. I remember our first date and how he wore shorts while it was still cold outside. Turns out Vinny was a prude [no hard feelings there] and I was "moving too fast" so he broke up with me. Dude was cute, and I just wanted a lil piece of him!! Blame a guy for trying. Of course the break up was lame and over the internet which is why I think he's lame.
-I got closer to a couple co-workers from Marimekko. In doing so, i may have turned a confused 17 year old boy gay by introducing him to one of my predatory friends and had that same friend turn his charm on to one of my straight girl friends. Awkward. It made for good work-gossip though. Some friends came back from college in the summer and eventually the whole staff changed. Some people were fired wrongfully. I was promoted to Inventory Specialist which I figured was a made up position to keep me busy but I was getting paid more so no complaints there.
-I started smoking up a lot more, and it got to the point where I started going to work blazed. I was able to function normally and it made working at the dreadful place that much more bearable. No one ever noticed, so I kept doing it. This fed my addiction to Potbelly.
-In April, right around the time that Vinny broke up with me, I met Travis. Went on a couple dates, and after a trip to a bed and breakfast in bumpkin town...we started officially dating. Turns out he's one of the greatest things that's ever happened to me.
-Summer rolled around, and for some reason I expected summer 08 to be on par with summer 07. It wasn't. I rarely saw my buddies because of this or that reasons and the girl I share my bday had other plans. Travis threw a bangin' party for some friends at his place and the turn out was good. Traveled to Costa Rica for the first time and managed to get my foot lacereated by pointy rocks in the ocean. At the end of August, I quit working at Marimekko in hopes to work for a school in Howard County, moved in with Travis and began attending HCC.
-With the move, came a new phase of the relationship between my mother and I. My father unofficially said goodbye to me by not talking to me for months, leaving my mother to become the go-between. I had no idea how to approach my mother now that I was "the gay son who moved out to live with boyfriend". We were walking on eggshells around each other until Thanksgiving the official blowout happened when she said I could come but Travis wasn't welcomed. It ended up becoming an ugly situation between all parties involved.
-Halloween time I was reunited with 4 friends for a fraction of a second...ended up taking care of one them most of the night and the fact that billions of people were in Dupont Circle at the same time didn't make the situation any easier. Another friend lost his cell phone which meant we were incommunicado for several weeks. Also in October, after weeks of non-working and having drained the last bit of my savings, I was able to score a job at Grassroots Crisis Intervention. Good job, eh...pay. Later that "eh...pay" turned into better pay.
-November.....what can I say about November?!?? Other than November gave us a black president, a Thanksgiving that I would've preferred to have been drunk or stoned for, and Travis & I had to really examine the validity of our relationship for the first time. From that experience, I can honestly say I shed the immature, selfish, penis-driven former self and realized the harm I had caused without any regard to the other person. For Travis, I am thankful.
-After Fucksgiving, the whole holiday spiel began on tv, blogs, radio, everything. I almost threw up and I was over the holidays before it began.
-Then NYE happened again and I was glad to have been with my blogging buddy and boyfriend. Living in the suburbs has made it really difficult to keep on the lives of my friends who all live near the city. A chance of moving even farther would make our seperation even greater, but then I look back and remember that a lot of times, if I don't make the effort we'll never get in touch. I've been semi-depressed because of my fair-weather friendships and I ponder the validity that I once held on to so strongly.
Monday, January 5, 2009
No-so-random feelings #1(intro & work)
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." - Douglas Adams
I'm at a crossroads, it seems theres much going on, and there's this constant struggle over what I should do. That quote sums up my hesitations. My brain is almost always on, and over-thinking. So as I go through life, I try to use knowledge and the experiences of other to bypass some of the problems that can plague each and every one of us. With that said, sometimes I think to myself what should I be doing and or how should something be done. Why "re-invent the wheel", or fall into the same traps as those before me. So once I boil the situation down to just a few choices, I just figure out which is the easiest, funnest, right-ist, and true-est, then I go ahead an do. This process isn't in stone, or always followed but it is there maybe half the time. The biggest negative about the process, is that it doesn't always leave room for creativity and individualism.
Back to the crossroads... it seems every area of life is lacking. Part of it is my fault, for not ensuring those areas grow properly and/or putting time, energy, money and feelings into other places. So my work life, home life, family life, friend life, and spiritual life are all suffering.
Professional Life: I do the job better/faster/stronger than the previous person. So combined with my brains, everything I do gets major accolades from those who see their ideas implemented. However, when I look at my job and duties, and my 2.5 years of experience. Its not the quality of experience that adds up, its more repeating the same 1 year of experience multiple times. I haven't even gotten the annual raise that is sorta in the employee handbook. Whether my boss(the ones that sign my check) recognize the lack of growing experience or not, I'm not getting paid market value. The main reason why I stay there, I because I want to see this phase of the project through, and because they give flexibility and perks, that probably won't be other places.
At the same time, ever since I worked there, they told me "If I get an types of certification, I can get a raise," Because then I'd be more valuable and easier for the to sell to other places. I made, well continuously make(it seems), the decision to not study or make any steps in that direction.
I also thought about grad school. I even took the GRE a year or two ago. I checked out GMU and Georgetown Masters in COmputer Science programs. But I have yet to completely finish an application. I never make it past the essay or application fee part. It was on the to-do list in September, but then I let moving, coming out, and personal feelings keep me busy.
Future questions....
So now how long do I stay at my current project as is?
How long do I stay without getting a raise?
Do I really want grad school?
Should I sign up for night classes to work towards a certification?
Do I look for a new job?
Do... I... Move to NYC...
I'm at a crossroads, it seems theres much going on, and there's this constant struggle over what I should do. That quote sums up my hesitations. My brain is almost always on, and over-thinking. So as I go through life, I try to use knowledge and the experiences of other to bypass some of the problems that can plague each and every one of us. With that said, sometimes I think to myself what should I be doing and or how should something be done. Why "re-invent the wheel", or fall into the same traps as those before me. So once I boil the situation down to just a few choices, I just figure out which is the easiest, funnest, right-ist, and true-est, then I go ahead an do. This process isn't in stone, or always followed but it is there maybe half the time. The biggest negative about the process, is that it doesn't always leave room for creativity and individualism.
Back to the crossroads... it seems every area of life is lacking. Part of it is my fault, for not ensuring those areas grow properly and/or putting time, energy, money and feelings into other places. So my work life, home life, family life, friend life, and spiritual life are all suffering.
Professional Life: I do the job better/faster/stronger than the previous person. So combined with my brains, everything I do gets major accolades from those who see their ideas implemented. However, when I look at my job and duties, and my 2.5 years of experience. Its not the quality of experience that adds up, its more repeating the same 1 year of experience multiple times. I haven't even gotten the annual raise that is sorta in the employee handbook. Whether my boss(the ones that sign my check) recognize the lack of growing experience or not, I'm not getting paid market value. The main reason why I stay there, I because I want to see this phase of the project through, and because they give flexibility and perks, that probably won't be other places.
At the same time, ever since I worked there, they told me "If I get an types of certification, I can get a raise," Because then I'd be more valuable and easier for the to sell to other places. I made, well continuously make(it seems), the decision to not study or make any steps in that direction.
I also thought about grad school. I even took the GRE a year or two ago. I checked out GMU and Georgetown Masters in COmputer Science programs. But I have yet to completely finish an application. I never make it past the essay or application fee part. It was on the to-do list in September, but then I let moving, coming out, and personal feelings keep me busy.
Future questions....
So now how long do I stay at my current project as is?
How long do I stay without getting a raise?
Do I really want grad school?
Should I sign up for night classes to work towards a certification?
Do I look for a new job?
Do... I... Move to NYC...
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