2008 had a lot of change, a lot of high hopes, a number of unwanted results and certain pre-2008 mistakes were repeated. So I bid farewell to that past. Although the memories and pictures will remain for a while.
Welcome 2009. This will be a year of purpose, and I'm hoping... trying... praying... believing... that I will be smart about my decisions and choices. I will be the person that I've wanted to, and supposed to be.
My goals are to be:
- more confident
- more decisive about my goals
- more open and less scared/intimidated
- honest about my feelings and courageous about my decisions
- determined about my future and less expectation-ful about my relationships
- more caring about the average people around me
- responsible and generous with all the gifts I've received
- Save just as much as I spend on frivolities
- A licensed driver
Short and sweet, yet most of those have to do with change starting from within, which is the hardest to accomplish. Wish me luck. I thank all friends that have been with me thus far, and I look to enhancing our friendships in the new year.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Recap of 2008 part 2
July - Wierd, hopeful, romantic feelings was the theme for this month. I thought it was possible and reasoned that it was within my grasp. Although, every time I felt it would go somewhere, I got either a non-answer or reason to doubt. My birthday also helped make the month real well. I spent multiple opportunities with some of my best gay friends, and it was a step up from last year. Later, in the month I had another opportunity to mix certain friends and it went well. That same day, I ran into an old buddy and met his one friend and it was inspiring. He had a life that I didn't think possible for a gay, happy, committed, established, home-owning, house-renovating, city-living, mass-traveling, church-going, and diverse. I was just like WOW, and couple with the romantic feelings/ideas and dreams, I saw myself easily being on top of the world. And I started to make plans and write coming out letters.
August - A downhill slope, in terms of feelings. A random mid-week beach trip with freddy and travis, was just too much. When I got back, I approached him and was more direct, but not forceful, i stating my position. SO this led to an open sharing of feelings, and he sounded on the same page as me, and we were both aware of issues on my part that would complicate things. So things were at a standstill. Mid-month I stated things more obviously, and got an answer that drained most hope. But not all. Repeating the words over and over, some hope remained. And by the end of the month, I heard the words, ending with "NOT AT ALL", and I was crushed. Other happenings included coming out to an old friend(thru email) and it was a lil encouraging, Freddy's fun birthday, an old friend went thru something which made him realize that I was his friend(finally), a cool trip to ATL for work, and I also had a foot injury which made things slightly harder around the end of the month.
September - Word of the month... "BLAH!!" I was still trying to sort out my feelings of hurt and un-deserved-ness, looking for a reset button. I also tried to combine friends again and this time it went terribly. Partway thru the month I went home for a 4-day weekend, to try on working on some stuff. The same time I came out to an old pastor, teacher, mentor, friend (thru emails) which was draining. A book I picked up from ATL and some heart-stabbing words helped me make that decision with resolve. Much wasn't accomplished at the trip btw.
October - Moved w/ the same roommates to downtown silver spring. Went to an old friend's wedding, and got to see people. I had a gay house party and came out to both roommates, as well, that weekend. I went to a couple nights of the gay film festival, did multiple emails and calls and internet lookups for my family's situation, and ended the month conflicted about myself, friends and where my life is headed. But it ended with finally seeing Freddy at the drag race, and doing some halloween activities which helped me see a few people in a different light. My friend also had a baby, YAY!!, and we(I) got guitar hero. Oh yeah, we now have a black president.
November - More thoughts about the past and highs of July. So much so I couldn't even write. I went on a date or two, and although fruitless, they were a step in a direction. I read Twilight and New moon, which didn't help my moods to much. I also got to hang more with my oldest gay friend. It ended in a diferent thanksgiving, and seeing my mom for the last time. On my way back to DC, I told someone "next time i'm in NYC will be much better, cuz we'd both be there". I also changed all facebooks and myspaces to "Gay" or "Interested in Men". As a way, to passive-aggressively let people know.
December - Work was sorta picking up and I was debating my vacation. Had a fruitless night in DC. and was feeling sick, so I had another "off-night" with maybe my best friends, which I talked to one of them about, and felt slightly better about afterwards. Went to the doctor, had mini-surgery and got some oxycodone. Things were getting back to normal, and I was planned my day trip to NYC w/ friends, joined a book group-ish, AND finally did some volunteering. Then on the morn of Dec 12 (on my dad's bday) my bro's called me and gave me the news that my mom died. I still went with them to NYC, and told people here, and tried to pack for 3 weeks. After my friends left, I went home to start working on stuff and meet. Then it was daily new to-do lists, family-filled/overflowing days, cold nights, non-bed sleeping, breakfast after noon, friend-less days, and cold weather till christmas. Which was the same, except I gave my granny a gift. After christmas, I realized I couldn't do as much, and after seeing my dad, I came back to md with my youngers bros. I got to show em how my lifes is... ish, and did some good stuff. I also went back to work, and potentially set myself up to work from home. I went to my first rap concert and got to see some other good friends after.
I realized life goes on(with or without), that words are just words, and I need to choose to live my life. This new year, gives me a set time to make things as they should be, or at least how I want them to be. But that's for another day.
August - A downhill slope, in terms of feelings. A random mid-week beach trip with freddy and travis, was just too much. When I got back, I approached him and was more direct, but not forceful, i stating my position. SO this led to an open sharing of feelings, and he sounded on the same page as me, and we were both aware of issues on my part that would complicate things. So things were at a standstill. Mid-month I stated things more obviously, and got an answer that drained most hope. But not all. Repeating the words over and over, some hope remained. And by the end of the month, I heard the words, ending with "NOT AT ALL", and I was crushed. Other happenings included coming out to an old friend(thru email) and it was a lil encouraging, Freddy's fun birthday, an old friend went thru something which made him realize that I was his friend(finally), a cool trip to ATL for work, and I also had a foot injury which made things slightly harder around the end of the month.
September - Word of the month... "BLAH!!" I was still trying to sort out my feelings of hurt and un-deserved-ness, looking for a reset button. I also tried to combine friends again and this time it went terribly. Partway thru the month I went home for a 4-day weekend, to try on working on some stuff. The same time I came out to an old pastor, teacher, mentor, friend (thru emails) which was draining. A book I picked up from ATL and some heart-stabbing words helped me make that decision with resolve. Much wasn't accomplished at the trip btw.
October - Moved w/ the same roommates to downtown silver spring. Went to an old friend's wedding, and got to see people. I had a gay house party and came out to both roommates, as well, that weekend. I went to a couple nights of the gay film festival, did multiple emails and calls and internet lookups for my family's situation, and ended the month conflicted about myself, friends and where my life is headed. But it ended with finally seeing Freddy at the drag race, and doing some halloween activities which helped me see a few people in a different light. My friend also had a baby, YAY!!, and we(I) got guitar hero. Oh yeah, we now have a black president.
November - More thoughts about the past and highs of July. So much so I couldn't even write. I went on a date or two, and although fruitless, they were a step in a direction. I read Twilight and New moon, which didn't help my moods to much. I also got to hang more with my oldest gay friend. It ended in a diferent thanksgiving, and seeing my mom for the last time. On my way back to DC, I told someone "next time i'm in NYC will be much better, cuz we'd both be there". I also changed all facebooks and myspaces to "Gay" or "Interested in Men". As a way, to passive-aggressively let people know.
December - Work was sorta picking up and I was debating my vacation. Had a fruitless night in DC. and was feeling sick, so I had another "off-night" with maybe my best friends, which I talked to one of them about, and felt slightly better about afterwards. Went to the doctor, had mini-surgery and got some oxycodone. Things were getting back to normal, and I was planned my day trip to NYC w/ friends, joined a book group-ish, AND finally did some volunteering. Then on the morn of Dec 12 (on my dad's bday) my bro's called me and gave me the news that my mom died. I still went with them to NYC, and told people here, and tried to pack for 3 weeks. After my friends left, I went home to start working on stuff and meet. Then it was daily new to-do lists, family-filled/overflowing days, cold nights, non-bed sleeping, breakfast after noon, friend-less days, and cold weather till christmas. Which was the same, except I gave my granny a gift. After christmas, I realized I couldn't do as much, and after seeing my dad, I came back to md with my youngers bros. I got to show em how my lifes is... ish, and did some good stuff. I also went back to work, and potentially set myself up to work from home. I went to my first rap concert and got to see some other good friends after.
I realized life goes on(with or without), that words are just words, and I need to choose to live my life. This new year, gives me a set time to make things as they should be, or at least how I want them to be. But that's for another day.
Recap of 2008 part 1
January - Started with a bangin party, most of which was fun and positive. Feelings wise, I was not in a good place. Still reeling with confused feelings for you-know-who, and after meeting whats his name a lil before, my self-confidence and hope for the future weren't too high. Although, I got in contact with some old friends, which def helped my mojo.
February - More of the same. I also distanced myself from the roommates, and tried to put myself out there more... to no avail. Although, there were two hopeful-ish events. 1. A gay prospect came over and we played games, and my roommate and a female friend both stopped by, but didn't realize or even mention anything. 2. I got drunk and met Stephen, which was a high point, altho I never fully asked for or got a number. The rest of that night, was one of my worst nights ever. And I lost my scarf.
March - My self-confidence increased when I met this one dude, in person, and i def wowed him. Even got a fb shoutout. But i knew his type, and that it wasn't for me. Even you-know-who warned me, but I didn't listen. I later also attempted to get over a fear of older guys. I saw the after-effects of a "first-love / broken heart" in a friend. And attempted to make str8 allies. Had a 2 week headache, got my permit, completed the "Hunt for a Wii", began reading, AND kept myself busy.
April - Started with dealing with consequences from March, and also being in a group opposite 5 MoCo police cruisers. I posted a poem I wrote online for TNG. Began getting prizes in trivia, learned that deserving and actually receiving are not always hand-in-hand, and I started this blog along with Freddy! saw a fried go thru a tough time, and a diff friend find new romance.
May - As the weather changed, so did my attitude. My original fear os meeting Hisham was mostly realized. I began to take pictures of my gay outings. Starte bloggigng much more. And hanging out with gay friends during the day!! I began to have a fear that my mom was getting was faster than we realized. I mixed three different sets of gay friends, and its mostly a success. I prepare for going to a gay beach, for the first time AND with a group of gay guys.
june - The beach was a worthwhile experience, enhancing relationships with those new friends, and seeing gays in another environment. Left the beach with conflicted but minor new emotions. Went to nyc multiple times, became an uncle again, and started my fv-blogging. Saw a stephen colbert live taping and some of NY pride festival. Stayed with gay friends for all of pride weekend, and did my best to keep my energy up, with seeing an ex, and you-know-who, and wondering what was goin on inside. I chose to hide myself less, post-pride, and saw that February's bad night costed me an extra $122.
February - More of the same. I also distanced myself from the roommates, and tried to put myself out there more... to no avail. Although, there were two hopeful-ish events. 1. A gay prospect came over and we played games, and my roommate and a female friend both stopped by, but didn't realize or even mention anything. 2. I got drunk and met Stephen, which was a high point, altho I never fully asked for or got a number. The rest of that night, was one of my worst nights ever. And I lost my scarf.
March - My self-confidence increased when I met this one dude, in person, and i def wowed him. Even got a fb shoutout. But i knew his type, and that it wasn't for me. Even you-know-who warned me, but I didn't listen. I later also attempted to get over a fear of older guys. I saw the after-effects of a "first-love / broken heart" in a friend. And attempted to make str8 allies. Had a 2 week headache, got my permit, completed the "Hunt for a Wii", began reading, AND kept myself busy.
April - Started with dealing with consequences from March, and also being in a group opposite 5 MoCo police cruisers. I posted a poem I wrote online for TNG. Began getting prizes in trivia, learned that deserving and actually receiving are not always hand-in-hand, and I started this blog along with Freddy! saw a fried go thru a tough time, and a diff friend find new romance.
May - As the weather changed, so did my attitude. My original fear os meeting Hisham was mostly realized. I began to take pictures of my gay outings. Starte bloggigng much more. And hanging out with gay friends during the day!! I began to have a fear that my mom was getting was faster than we realized. I mixed three different sets of gay friends, and its mostly a success. I prepare for going to a gay beach, for the first time AND with a group of gay guys.
june - The beach was a worthwhile experience, enhancing relationships with those new friends, and seeing gays in another environment. Left the beach with conflicted but minor new emotions. Went to nyc multiple times, became an uncle again, and started my fv-blogging. Saw a stephen colbert live taping and some of NY pride festival. Stayed with gay friends for all of pride weekend, and did my best to keep my energy up, with seeing an ex, and you-know-who, and wondering what was goin on inside. I chose to hide myself less, post-pride, and saw that February's bad night costed me an extra $122.
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