Definitely an Off Night

Wow...I had an interesting night yesterday. So instead of truly tackling the issue. I jumped right into lions den, and it wasn't pretty. When I asked others for their opinions and suggestions on the best methods of healing... there was one main answer: "Stay away from the cause!!". But not me, I had already committed to the night, so I couldn't just cancel. So I got new headphones, so I could listen to encouraging, inspirational, uplifting music and headed out. Before they all arrived, I IM'ed/texted a few people for a little extra encouragement as I was about to be in an awkward position. Sadly the text conversation never stopped, and I ended up texting for most of the night which came off as rude.
So as we ate dinner and walked around, I guess I was somewhat distant. And tried to limit eye contact and stuff because it was not easy to change the way I saw him before. I know where I needed to be, but no idea how to get there. So after dinner and dessert we headed towards apex and someone else joined our group which helped slightly. But then we made it to Apex. Apex itself is my Achilles Heel... It has the power to break me, and make me feel inadequate, unfit, and scared at the same time. But I try not to just let things win, without a fight... so I went in. Having the foot injury didn't do much for my already subpar dancing skills, so I did even less moving then usual.
As time went on, more people came. Including some familiar faces... most of them were not in good standing based on how they have related to me in the past, whether or not in person. And it reinforced the negative ideas apex already into my mind. Add to that the physical burden of my foot, and the emotional burden on my heart, I succumbed to the pressure. And had to get away from the people directly around me, and have a seat, gather myself and try to feel better overall. It sorta worked, but then my mind let the immediate situations with the group and random Apexians I eventually just had to leave. My camera batteries died, so I decided to go to CVS, and listen to music to put me in a better place. When I got back, I realized I sorta messed up their night, letting my emotions go out of control. And I could jjust feel it, they dropped me off at 7 eleven and I made a slight apology as I left their car.
I should have never went out, I would have been in a much better place, theoretically. But also the one random awesome part, was that I did get to finally meet a friend that I chat with every so often. That was highlight of my night, and diamond in the rough. But with most people being gone this weekend, hopefully I'll make much personal progress, and be over his face.

I need to heal!!

Last week friday, I decided that I would play basketball with some co-workers and random people at the nearby community center. It's a good workout, and even though I'm not good, I try. So when one guy was on a fast, I ran to keep a body on him. And I jumped in an attempt to block his layup(while running), and landed directly on my heel. It sucked, and it hurt, but I played on. I ran on my toes for that foot, and played for the next half hour. Afterwards, I went to the nurse, and she put Ice on it, wrapped it, and told me I should stay off it. She even lent me a cane, to help me get around. I followed directions that first day, icing it and trying to stay off it. But since then, I've been slacking. I walked around alot Saturday, Sunday I went to ATL and everyday I walked on it. Most times without the cane. Its like a narcissistic,self-centeredness that leads me to think I can take the pain, or that somehow I'll be better for it. Even today it still hurts at times, and I am not moving around as much.... but still I'm going about this the wrong way. Everyday I'm expecting it to feel better, but I wonder if the healing process takes more than just "time". I think I should go to a doctor and get a professional opinion, maybe even an x-ray.

With that being said, I realize that this tendency transfers into other areas of life. Like right now, I'm hurting on the inside. And I don't know how to deal with it. I know that nothing can come from all of the feelings I have inside, so obviously I need to get over them. But how? How do I stop feeling? Well, how to I take these feelings and put them in a shredder, so that they wont be put back together? Before it was easy, cuz the feelings were based on dreams, and when analyzed there was no foundation. But when there are roots that go within, how do you successfully get rid of whats left, and leave room for a future seed. I just want my heart to be healed. Or at least start the process. I don't want to lie to myself or find some type of replacement/distraction, I want to tackle this head on, so that I won't mess the future up, due to residual pain.

Anyone have a recommendation for treatment? Is there a doctor in the house?

Goodbye Atlanta!

Now I'm making my leave from Atlanta. DCish, Here I come! I got to see new sights, do some exploration, think about certain things and umm work. I took a number of pictures, and think I'm somewhat better for the experience. Sucky part is that Atlanta Gay Black Pride weekend starts tonight.... Figures... Pray for my safe return. Later!