Change of mind

Ever go somewhere expecting one thing, or expect to say something but when you end up going through with whatever, you realized almost nothing you expected or planned to do or say was done.
This was a long week. And for the most part, I was feeling toooo well. Barack winning and wednesday night trivia were the only good highlights. The party last saturday, and the waste of a sunday left me in a somewhat socially-deprived mood. This mood continued, and I wanted someone to talk to later in the weeks, and they all seemed to be MIA. Also I chatted with this one guy, who I haven't talked to since January, when he lost interest in me. (Not that I haven't tried).

All of those occurences led me to think about the people in my life, present and past. I thought about those who didn't return my calls or texts, those who I used to talk to quite often, and those who are around me often. It left me questioning myself, those relationships with those people, and wondering where my future lies.

Yet, I kept finding myself dwelling on one person. He was the last person I was completely into, and he also had an affinity for me. But he started out as a friend, and it never got to be anything more than that. I thought of the reasons for why he didn't want to even try. Both the reasons he stated and reasons my mind hypothesized. As I saw him actually being into someone else, there was a point of inner conflict. He's my friend, and I want him to be happy. And the guy was quite a catch. So that's good. But at the same time, I saw the obvious differences between us. And its hard to fight the feeling of doubt within myself. Because I myself was (and am) "undeserving" and its an "unfair" position to put someone else in. Those words weren't stated specifically, but they were the logical foundations, based on the actual words used. As I was in this rut, there was one word, I was previously called, that brought me to tear(not tears, just one). The word.... was "helpful".

Now "helpful" isn't a bad word. And in certain situations... work, school, service, church, among people in need... the word may actually be a compliment. But when it was used, it was used as a response to words I used first. The words I used were more endowed with feelings and described their coolness as WHO that person IS(was) TO me. But that reply felt like a huge slap in the face. "Helpful" basically said, you're cool for what you DO FOR me. That still hurt the other day.

So as I was in a socially-deprived state and that friend was one of the MIA, I couldn't help but wonder if my "helpfulness" had sort of run its course. And I thought to other friendships, and wonder where else my friendship may have "run its course". I feel bad for thinking that, but Im one to analyze thoughts, such that I can overcome them.

Back to the start. This was my initial feelings around 5pm. But I started a new book, which is a book that represents the "person I want to be". So with that, I couldn't dwell on the other feelings when hanging out with people last night. And we ended up digging into a deeper personal issue within me. But that's for another time.