Wow... I'm old. 22. True I definitely could be much older, but its also the oldest I've ever been. So in one way its scary. But more importantly, my birthday was fun! I got to do a number of different things with a number of different people, and I'm glad they were able to share it with me.
On the flip side, I was also a little disappointed with a few people. I mean, I planned these events with them in mind, and did my best to get them to come out. And they didn't make it. True, some had perfectly valid excuses, and some I didn't expect to come out anyway. But a couple of y'all just decided it wasn't worth your time. And I accept your decision. Sometimes I try to hold on to people, or see people as better friends than they are. But as I get older, I realize that people will show themselves when they are put to the test. And its sad to say.... but if they fail. Then I need to just let them go.
Another issue that came to the forefront on my birthday is the fact that I'm IN! In the closet, that is :-/. Why? and what really do I have to lose with telling someone? In one sense, not much. I live my life in a very independent manner. So I don't really rely on friends or family in any real physical way. And by being in the closet, it makes the emotional attachments much weaker. With straight and gay friends, and family. By being in the closet, neither side can really see all of me. This truly showed itself on my birthday week.
I planned 3-4ish events to share with my gay friends. And the day before my birthday and on the day of, some straight friends had contacted me wondering what I was up to. And because I had planned to be at Freddie's, I couldn't exactly invite them along. Or even tell them cause, then they would want to be invited. Its interesting that my I got a lil upset about some gay "friends" not making it out, but straight friends that wanted to come out, I didn't let them. Keeping these parts of my life separated is no fun, and definitely will be changing in time. So in an attempt to create a situation where I can start to make conversation about possibly coming out to straight people... I'm attempting to not be as careful in "covering my tracks" per say at home and with my rommates and such. On a more proactive note, however, I've begun to write a few coming out letters to roommates, family and the like. Not sure if or when I'd send them, but when the time comes, it'll be easier I guess. I may post em up here, if there is any interest.
Lastly... Feelings. For someone else. Its like I just want to be near him. Talk, laugh, chill... Like he definitely made the past month truly awesome for me. I was also posed some interesting questions and ideas. It truly made my mind wonder. And brought me to this place of hmmmm.
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